


do i wanna know

by downtothewire



Category: Marvel, Runaways (Comics), Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-08-24 16:11:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 40,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16643495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/downtothewire/pseuds/downtothewire
Summary: It's Karolina's junior year and she has everything meticulously planned out until graduation. She's going to be so happy and she knows it, she just has to get through the school year first.That all changes, however, when Nico, who used to be her best friend, is now her roommate.OR a Karolina and Nico Boarding School AU.





	1. Chapter 1

It's her junior year, and Karolina _had_ plans. She would room with her best friend, Eiffel. She would ace her SATs. She would get through this year and finally be a senior. She would get into Columbia to pursue her biology degree. She would leave this stupid all girls school behind her. She would finally be the person she has been waiting her whole life to be. She would be able to be truthful about who she is and be with who she really wants to be with. Karolina could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Everything would fall into place, and she would finally be free of this place her mother shipped her out to when she was fifteen.

Then Eiffel went and got herself expelled for failing four class and drinking on campus. And now, Karolina is alone.

Don't get her wrong, Karolina isn't by any means alone. She has friends, lots of them some third party observer might say. People stare at her as she walks down the hall, almost open the passageway like Moses and the red sea, which is apt given their uniforms are scarlet. But she feels none of those friends count. She isn't literally alone, but she feels it all the time.

Even when Eiffel was there Karolina still felt mostly alone. They got along fine and she helped Karolina feel less lost, but they didn't have much in common. Karolina was never the party girl, she was never one to break the rules, she kept her grades up, and she genuinely liked school - well, maybe not math. She was never interested in One Direction, or really any boy bands, and if she is honest with herself, boys in general.

Karolina has known she is gay for as long as she remembers. Ever since she first saw Tiffany sing her solo at their school's christmas concert when they were eight, she knew. She knows it because it feels different to her when a girl strokes her hair or when she makes a pretty girl laugh. She gets this invincible sensation after any of it happens that she could accomplish anything.

No one really knew, and Karolina hasn't done anything about it. She hasn't even kissed a girl before, so a small part of her still wonders, if it's really true. If she's not just projecting her loneliness and the only people around her are women. But then she reminds herself she did go to a co-ed school before this and there weren't any feelings for boys there either. She knows in her heart that these wonders aren't based on facts, but she isn't ready to face the music just yet. She isn't ready to think about how her mother would react, much less tell her. Karolina can already predict she is probably going to deny it as a phase or blame herself for the fact that she isolated her in an environment with only girls or maybe even blame it on the simple fact that Karolina plays soccer. Never will she ever think that being gay isn't a choice.

Before she can spiral too much, however, Karolina decides to shelf those thoughts for another time as she frequently does. She only thinks about who her new roommate might be when the door handle starts to turn. Karolina watches it anxiously. She first sees a pair of chunky black boots step into the room then as her eyes scan upwards she sees an intricate black dress that goes past her knees and a leather jacket on top of it. When she reaches the girl's face, she sees the heavy amount of makeup and the messy hair on top of her head. It takes her a minute to realize who it is, but once she does the panic settles in: 'Oh, God, no'.

Nico looked different. Gone was the quiet girl in the back of the classroom and in was this new loud Nico who didn't even have to say anything to make a point. She now made a point as soon as she walks into any room and that point was 'don't fuck with me'. Karolina avoids looking at her, choosing instead to occupy herself with the corners of her comforter.

She knew Nico's older sister, Amy, as they played soccer together, but she hasn't known Nico in a really long time. Karolina first met her when she first arrived at school. Nico is one of the few people who has been here as long as she has. Then, Nico was a shy nerdy girl who sat in the back of the class and glared at everyone that walked past her. But something about her drew Karolina in. They became quick friends, almost as quick as they stopped being friends. Now, this new Nico was standing in front of her, and Karolina didn't know how to act.

"Great," Nico speaks first, sarcastically. She just walks to the open bed that Karolina left and dumps her luggage on it. Karolina berates herself for not waiting for the girl to choose a bed, and making the choice for both of them.

Nico opens her luggage and starts to neatly place all of her black clothing inside of her half of the closet - not bothering to share another word. Karolina still hasn't opened her suitcase, and seeing as how neat Nico's is, she is embarrassed to do it now. She had been late to the airport the morning of her flight, so everything was just hastily thrown inside.

Tired of the silence, she tries to make conversation, "Hey, Nico."

"Hey," Nico answers, curtly.

"How was your summer?"

"Fine, yours?"

"Oh, it was nice. I went to the beach a lot and learned how to skateboard, so, now there's that," Karolina tries to elaborate a bit.

Nico turns and looks at her for the first time since entering the room. Karolina thinks she sees her look at her legs currently fully on display in shorts and tan from the summer.

"Cool," is all Nico offers before turning back to unpack her suitcase. The silence settles into the room again. In order to occupy her time, Karolina starts to unpack once Nico is finished. Nico just sits on her bed and constantly types on her phone. Her fingers furiously moving at an impressive speed.

When Karolina opens her suitcase, Nico looks up from her phone, and raises an eyebrow at her at the mess inside.

"Don't worry," Karolina comforts, "I was just in a rush when I left home. I'm not going to be a messy roommate." She nervously tells the joke and it falls flat. Nico only nods at her and returns to her phone.

They have been in silence for five minutes while Karolina unpacks, when the door to their room swings open and a flustered looking Gert steps in. Nico immediately stops typing. She looks at Karolina unpacking on the floor then at Nico on the bed.

"Oh my God, so the rumors are true," Gert says. An irrational fear overcomes Karolina, scared that somehow Gert figured out her secret. "Nico and Karolina are roommates!" she exclaims before walking over to Nico's bed and laying down on it to double down laughing.

Gert is Nico's best friend. They have been inseparable ever since Karolina has known them. With her purple hair and grunge wardrobe, Gert is definitely a girl that makes a statement. She is very much her own person, unashamedly, and Karolina has always been jealous of that. When they hung out, Karolina was jealous of the way Nico and Gert communicated. They seemed to have their own language established already when Karolina first joined the group. They would sometimes stop talking as soon as she stepped into the room, much to her annoyance. And here she was, about to be confronted daily by her ex-best friends for an entire year. There was no way this year could get any worse.

"I told you not to come over," Nico mumbles under her breath.

"I couldn't not see this, Nico. I'm going to have so much fun this year watching you guys. This is going to be a shit-show." Gert never did have much of a filter, Karolina muses.

"Hey, Gert," Karolina greets her.

"Hey, Karolina," she responds with an infuriating grin on her face. Why was she looking at her like that. Gert always looked at Karolina like she knew something Karolina didn't, and it drove her crazy. It didn't help that Nico was currently curling into herself like she knew exactly what Gert was thinking about. There it was, their secret language again.

It annoys Karolina to the point where she's suddenly standing up, her suitcase half unpacked, and her clothes still strewn across the floor. She walks to the door and announces, "I'm going to practice." She closes the door behind her, and as soon as she does she hears Gert's loud laugh from inside the room.

"It's not funny!" Nico reprimands her.

Karolina can feel the anger boiling inside of her. She decides to take it out on the field instead of pummeling Gert into the floor. She stomps away from her own personal nightmare and towards the field, the only place she can think straight.

They don't talk much after that. Their routines start and they just go about their lives pretending they're not directly in each other's space. Karolina is usually too tired after practice everyday to really talk, and Nico seems completely fine with that arrangement. She listens to music so loudly on her headphones that Karolina can hear the faint noise reverberating through the rest of the room. It doesn't really bother her, so she doesn't say anything. She worries a bit for Nico's hearing in the future, but decides it's none of her business. Besides, she's pretty sure if she did bring it up that's exactly what Nico would tell her, maybe with a couple of colorful expletives added in.

It was pouring rain outside and practice got cancelled on their first Saturday back to school, so Karolina was currently in her bed full of pent up energy throwing a ball against the wall, catching it as it flies back to her hand. Nico doesn't even flinch at the motion. She just keep nodding her head to the music and watching the ball go back and forth. Karolina catches the ball in her hand and runs it over her palms, deep in thought, when she tires of the repetitive motion. She decides this is as good of a time as any to try and make small talk.

"Why didn't you room with Gert?" Karolina asks.

Nico must see her lips moving, and apparently didn't hear anything, because she has to remove one earbud to say: "Sorry?"

"I asked why didn't you room with Gert?" she realizes her mistake quickly as Nico's neutral expression turns into a frown, "I didn't mean-- I don't mind--"

Nico interrupts her, "Her little sister Molly just came to school and they're rooming together," Nico explains, "I won't ask why you didn't room with Eiffel because I think we both know," she says, poison behind her tone.

"Yeah, that was..." Karolina starts, but Nico already has her earbud back in. She is subtly moving her head to the music, her eyes closed, as she lays back on her pillow, her hair spread out over it. Karolina always thought she had really nice shiny hair.

She sighs in defeat, and texts a couple of random people to see if anything is happening tonight. She eventually gets the word back that a couple of people are meeting in the equipment shack on the field to drink. The shack is the number one place in school people go to to not get caught. It's far enough from the main campus that teachers can't hear the music, and the only teacher that really goes there is their coach. She doesn't really care if they drink as long as it's responsibly and not before a game. She gets up without another word and leaves, feeling uncomfortable in what is supposed to be her own environment.

Karolina has been nursing a beer for about fifteen minutes, when someone takes a seat next to her. She looks up to see Amy.

"Hey, Karo." Amy always has a friendly smile.

"Hey," Karolina pleasantly says back.

"I hear you and my little sister are rooming together."

"Who'd you hear that from?" Karolina asks, wondering if people have been talking.

"Nico?" Amy says with a question in her voice.

"Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, we are."

"How's that going?"

"It's okay," Karolina decides on non-committedly.

Amy gives her a brief laugh, "She giving you a hard time?" her tone is understanding.

"A bit, I don't know what I ever did to her," Karolina vents.

Amy's demeanor changes. She's suddenly deep in thought, "Just give her a chance, Karolina, she'll come around."

Amy's tone is enough to remind her that Amy might be her friend, but she's Nico's sister first, "You're right," Karolina tells her, defeated.

Amy looks at Karolina. Her eyes are sympathetic, and Karolina feels like she's been caught naked. Like Amy can see through her. It's enough to fill Karolina with panic. She rises from beside her and excuses herself, planning to drink a lot more than she usually does.

Karolina is thoroughly tipsy as she stumbles her way through the hallway towards her room. She has to stop several times on her journey to hold onto the walls for some semblance of balance. She overcorrects her mannerisms as she walks by a hall monitor who gives her a suspicious look before letting her go. She finally reaches her room and swings the door open in one swift motion. On the other side is Nico jumping up at the noise in only her underwear.

"Fuck," Karolina exhales in what she thinks is in her mind but is actually out loud.

Nico definitely changed over the summer and Karolina's mouth feels dry. She blushes profusely as she finds herself staring at Nico's body. Nico is quick to grab a t-shirt and place it in front of herself, though it doesn't do much to cover anything. Karolina's brain is screaming at her to look away, but her neck seems to have a mind of its own and it won't turn the other way. None of her body will. She's pretty sure she's in shock.

"Would you mind not looking?" Nico's tone is shy. She carries a fraction of the attitude she usually does.

The request breaks Karolina out of her spell, "Sorry!" She quickly grabs a pair of pajamas and locks herself in the bathroom. She leans against the door and stays there until her breathing evens out. Once she's calm enough, she changes into her pajamas and goes back into the room. The lights are on, but Nico is already lying down facing away from Karolina's bed, her eyes firmly shut.

Karolina tiptoes to bed, turning off the lights. She lays in bed turned away from Nico, forcing herself to fall asleep. She decides that the burning between her legs is because of the alcohol and nothing else. She's just useless and would have freaked out if she saw any girl in their underwear, she rationalizes. Once sleep claims her, Karolina has dreams she would rather not wake up from or have to dwell with in the morning.

She does wake up eventually in a sweat and heaving from the dream. Nico is still sleeping in the bed next to her. She needs space to breathe. The clock reads 6 AM. It's early enough that she can get some running and stretching in before practice. She changes into her training gear and bolts away from their room and the girl inside it.

After running for half an hour before practice and then stretching the rest of the time, Karolina still doesn't feel she has worked out half of her frustrations. Which means that today won't be an easy day for her teammates on the field. Karolina shoves every person who steps in front of her or the ball. She is hyped to the point that she doesn't even realize that she elbows Jamie, a small freshman who just joined the team, at one point.

The girl falls back and fights to find air for a moment - breaking Karolina out of her rage. She hears the shrill sound of the coach's whistle.

"Karolina!" She hears her coaches outraged scolding, "If you're going to play like this, I don't want you on my field!"

Karolina reaches her hand out to the girl on the grass and helps her stand up. "Sorry," she apologizes before walking off the field, not sparing any of the wondering eyes a second glance.

"Where are you going?" Coach yells after her.

She doesn't answer. She just walks, her head hanging low in embarrassment. Her senses still heightened with adrenaline. Her skin feeling foreign and cold. Her heart racing out of her chest. She walks into her room needing a shower in order to think. She opens the door to the bathroom, but instead of the empty one she was hoping for she finds Nico and Gert sitting on the floor laughing, a bottle of tequila being passed between them.

They stop talking as soon as they see her, their giggles dying out. There it was again, and it still infuriates Karolina to no end, she realizes.

"Hi," Gert says surprised.

"Don't tell," Nico pleads, her eyes wide at the sight of Karolina having caught them.

Her exterior might be rough, but her Nico has always been soft. Karolina knows this, so she's quick to settle her, "Don't worry. I couldn't care less." She leaves the bathroom, and sits on her bed, still dirty from practice. Everything seems to be closing in around her and she can't be bothered to worry about if her sheets are getting ruined. She rests her elbows on her thighs and brings her head down to her palms, willing to think this headache away.

At that moment the last thing she needed is to be confronted by memories from the previous night, and that's exactly what's happening. The reminder of Nico last night is enough to rid her mind completely of what happened at practice and focus it solely on Nico. She thinks about bursting into their room last night. Then, her mind wanders what would have happened if she bursted into the bathroom right now, and Nico was doing something different. She makes a mental note to talk later to Nico about how the bathroom door should  _always_ be locked when someone's inside.

"Would you like to join us?" A small voice asks. She looks up to see Gert at the door. Karolina's neck snaps up. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Karolina dimisses. She evaluates the offer for a moment before conceding, "Yeah, sure. I'll join you."

She walks into the bathroom and Nico's sitting there picking at her cuticles - a nervous habit she's had ever since Karolina can remember. She takes a seat next to her, but Nico doesn't look up from her nails. She grabs the bottle and passes it to Karolina.

"Thanks."

"No problem," she answers, her nails apparently infinitely more interesting than anything going on around her.

No other words are exchanged between them. Karolina takes a drink from the bottle and cringes at the taste. Tequila has never agreed with her, but she guesses it will have to do. Once it burns down her throat, she can already feel her shoulders relax. Maybe this wouldn't be such a bad idea.

"Okay, let's play never have I ever," Gert suggests.

"Why? You always lose," Nico comes back.

"I always lose to you, because you're a prude, but Karolina's playing now. And I'm sure she's done some shit hanging out with who she does."

Karolina can feel her face heating up, her body tensing at the comment. She hasn't done anything, but she's not sure she's ready to talk about it with her ex-best friends.

"Did you just assume that about her? Wow, Gert, not very feminist," Nico remarks in a teasing tone.

"That's not… You know I didn't mean it like that, Nico!"

Nico just cackles out loud. Karolina's impressed how she's able to go from shy to confident in a heartbeat. Karolina finds herself involuntarily laughing, the laughter bubbling up from a place of nervousness and relief. Nico looks her in the eye for the first time since they became roommates a week ago. There's a sparkle there, that makes the laughter die in Karolina's throat as quickly as it came.

"Okay, okay. You had your fun, Nico. Now let's play. I'll start: never have I ever been emo," Gert says with a smirk.

"That is a targeted attack and you know it!" Nico protests but takes the bottle from Karolina's hand - their fingers lightly brushing. She drinks from it, then slams it on the floor.

"Don't break it!" Gert scolds.

Nico just continues, unaffected, "If that's how you want to play it, never have I ever thrown up because I drank too much."

Gert looks at her pointedly before taking the bottle and drinking from it. She places it in the middle of the circle, "Okay, Karolina, your--"

Gert stops mid sentence when she notices Karolina taking the bottle and sipping from it.

"Maybe I wasn't so wrong after all."

Both Nico and Gert are looking at her shocked.

"It was one time! I didn't know how much was too much," Karolina defends herself.

"Sure," Nico answers. When Karolina turns to retort Nico has an amused smile on her face that makes her forget what she was about to say. What kind of control is this girl getting over her?

"Your turn," Gert informs her.

Karolina asks the only thing she can currently think about, "Never have I ever kissed a girl," she is looking at Nico, but she sees Gert's hand reach for the bottle in her peripheral vision. She expected that, but what she doesn't expect is when Gert puts the bottle down, Nico takes it and takes a drink without sparing Karolina a second glance.

'Fuck' she thinks, and that one she was sure was in her head.

Then realization strikes her, "Wait! Have you two..."

She looks between Nico and Gert, and then Gert shrugs, "A couple of times, but not recently. I'm dating someone."

"What?" Karolina says, her eyes filled with horror. It isn't the fact that it was two girls kissing. It was the fact that it was Nico and Gert. Part of her feels betrayed.

"We were just practicing. There were never like feelings or anything," Gert explains, taking a drink from the bottle even though there was no question posed.

Nico seems nervous, like she's searching for something as she looks at Karolina, "We're both bi, Kar," she says nonchalantly in the nickname she hasn't called Karolina in 2 years. Karolina's heart hurts at the sound of it, so much so that she barely registers the fact that Nico just came out to her.

Nico seems to misunderstand her sadness, "Do you have a problem with that?" she questions, her tone defensive.

"Not at all," Karolina is quick to correct, half lying because she definitely didn't like the idea of Nico kissing Gert.

"Then was is it?"

She isn't ready to admit the jealousy side of it to herself much less to Nico, so she settles on being truthful about her other emotions, "I was just thinking of how much I missed out."

She reaches for the bottle and unscrews it. She brings it to her lips. Nico places a comforting hand in her shoulder.

"Don't worry about it," Gert tells her.

"Yeah, we're having a good time now, aren't we?" Nico completes.

Karolina smiles against the bottle, "We are."

"Then come on, continue we shall! Never have I ever stolen anything," Gert says, then takes a drink after her own question. Karolina can see why she always loses. Nico then drinks it, but when Karolina does they all seem shocked again.

"Karolina!" Gert exclaims in outrage.

"Do you live some kind of double life?" Nico asks, her eyebrows raised far into her scalp.

"It was gum!" Karolina defends herself.

They play the game for a while, and then just keep drinking and talking for a couple of hours. They've moved from the bathroom to the bedroom, too drunk to care if a teacher walks in. Gert excuses herself after a while, claiming that she has to: 'go and sext Chase'. Karolina and Nico are left alone in the room, both leaning against Nico's bed.

"Poor Molly. She doesn't deserve this," Nico laments before adding on, "Oh, and Chase is her boyfriend, by the way."

"Good to know. That would've been awkward if it wasn't."

Nico chuckles lightly.

"So, tell me about you, Nico, what have you been up to?"

"I don't know. I'm sure you've noticed the whole goth look," Nico shrugs.

"Would you mind telling me what that's about?" Karolina asks, unsure.

"There's really no reason. I just like the aesthetic."

At the word aesthetic, Karolina lets out a groan and rests her head on Nico's shoulder, "You've always been such a millennial cliché."

Nico laughs genuinely, taking the joke lightly.

"You know, you should shower after practice. You smell right now."

Karolina is offended for a moment before seeing the teasing tone in Nico's eyes. She decides to play along. She brushes off the fact that their faces are currently very close. "I was going to, but then you and Gert were getting drunk in there."

"You're the one who joined us, you could've kicked us out. Still your fault."

"Whatever, Nico."

Nico looks proud that Karolina doesn't have a comeback. "I always liked watching you practice."

Karolina's heart skips a beat, "Why's that?"

"I don't know," Nico says, shifting her gaze away from Karolina's, "You always seemed like free or something, like you weren't holding back."

Karolina is rendered speechless, she never knew Nico looked at her, much less noticed her.

"Plus, now that we're being honest and all and since we told you what we did in the bathroom, it really didn't hurt that all the girls on the team had nice legs," Nico shrugs with a smile, the bottle against her lips, the levity back to the conversation.

Karolina fake gasps, "Nico Minoru, are you saying I have nice legs?" Karolina doesn't know where her courage is coming from, but she suspects the alcohol might be the culprit.

"Nah," Nico replies, "You were the exception." Her tone gives away that she was joking, but Karolina can't help but be slightly disappointed. Nico reaches out and places a hand on her thigh, still uncovered from her training gear, "I'm kidding, Kar, you have great legs," she tells her as she lightly runs her nails up and down them.

Every nerve in Karolina's body stands on edge. Karolina watches as Nico's hands carve passageways on her skin, her body littered with goosebumps. The effect that Nico has on Karolina blatant to both girls because of it. Karolina turns to look at her. She finds her face very close to her own. Nico's attention quickly shifts to her lips.

Karolina isn't expecting it when Nico leans in and quickly kisses her. She pulls back immediately, "I'm sorry! I should've asked! That wasn't okay, I'm really-"

But Karolina isn't listening. She leans in and starts to kiss Nico back. Karolina and Nico kiss until it start to build up and they move from the floor to Nico's bed. Karolina's on top of Nico running her hands everywhere she has access to. She's never wanted to kiss someone this much, none of the boys she's ever kissed before felt like this. This feels liberating, like Karolina can do anything. The quiet humming of doubt in the back of her mind immediately shut off. She's kissing a girl, but not just any girl: Nico Minoru. Then she wonders, how long has she wanted to kiss Nico?

She pulls away keeping her hand on Nico's jaw. She looks into her eyes, and for the first time Karolina doesn't feel so alone. The feeling starts at the tip of her fingers and crawl through the rest of her body like an unwanted invader. Karolina starts to get scared of how much she's feeling and she needs to get away.

She pulls away from Nico essentially straddling the girl. Nico places her hands on her thighs again, the goosebumps from before return, and all of it becomes too unbearable.

"Kar?"

She always thought that nickname was stupid, but Nico liked it so she let her call her that. She would let Nico call her whatever she wanted as long as she called her.

"Karolina?" Nico tries again.

"Don't," Karolina grunts through gritted teeth.

"Is everything okay?"

Karolina shakes her head.

"About what happened-"

But before she can finish, Karolina interrupts, "We're drunk." Her face is pleading for Nico to understand that this was a mistake.

"Oh..." Nico says, her face contorts in disappointment. Karolina hates herself for it. Karolina slowly gets off Nico and walks to her own bed. She gets into bed not bothering to change out of her clothes, she'll shower in the morning. She can't be bothered at the moment.

"Nico?"

"Yeah?" she responds, her voice so small and slightly shaking.

"Please don't tell anyone."

"I won't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello peeps, I hope you enjoy this. I'm hoping to make it more long format than most my stuff and with more angst, there will still be fluffy one shots here and there besides this story, but I wanna mainly focus my attention on this for now so I do hope you like it, haha.
> 
> The title is from the song of the same name by the Arctic Monkeys, because I feel like it matches the mood of the story. Plus it's just a really good song.
> 
> Thank you for reading <3
> 
> tumblr: downtothe-wire


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karolina wakes up with the consequences of the previous night when Nico is seemingly avoiding her.

When Karolina wakes up the next morning, she looks around sheepishly before realizing she's actually alone. She breathes a sigh of relief and walks to the bathroom. She barely slept at night, and when she sees herself in the mirror, it's easy to tell. She looks as if she got punched twice, once in each eye.

She undresses, makes sure to lock the door, and gets into the shower, finally getting the much needed cleaning after everything that happened the day before. Her thoughts drift in the shower as the tension starts to subside under the hot water. Soon she's remembering the kisses and the hands and Nico's tongue. She spins the faucet for cold water so fast, she's surprised it doesn't break. The shock of the cold water through her system is liberating. For the first time in a while, she feels like she can breathe.

After that, Karolina is ready to face the day ahead of her. She changes into her gear to go to practice before class. She heads straight for Jamie as she reaches the field. Jamie visibly flinches when she sees Karolina. She powers through the guilt, needing to apologize. She has never had someone be afraid of her in her life. I mean, she's constantly compared to sunshine for God's sake (not that she endorses that either). This is new territory for her.

"Hey, Jamie. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday. I don't know what came over me," Karolina apologizes.

Jamie's cowering demeanor softens, "It's okay," she says in a single relieved breath.

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's fine. I assume you were going through something," the girl replies with a smile, a bit of a stutter to her voice.

"Uh, kinda, yeah. Thanks anyway," Karolina answers awkwardly before sprinting off to do her laps and avoid the rest of the situation. At least she got forgiven, maybe this day won't be as bad as she originally predicted.

Karolina is one of those people a lot of people hate. The kind of person who likes to get up early to run. If she has an early commitment, Karolina will get up before the sun to run. She doesn't know what it is but the burning it gives her in her lungs is exhilarating. Nothing matters when she's running, only that she keeps going forward.

She's only completed two laps around the field before she hears her coach scream from the other side of the field, "Dean, my office!" Karolina guesses that perhaps everything wasn't as solved as she thought.

She jogs towards the coach's office. It's connected to the locker rooms and has the same bathroom tiling lining its insides. It always made Karolina feel bad that this is where Coach Diaz has to spend her days. She could only imagine the smells that waft through the ventilation - especially in summer.

"What happened yesterday?" Coach Diaz is quick to skip the small talk and cut to the chase.

"I don't know," Karolina mumbles.

"Come on, Dean, don't give me that. I need you to be honest with me."

Karolina could not be honest with her about this, not with anyone. What was she supposed to say? I saw my roommate half naked and had so much pent up sexual frustration that I took it out on the team during practice. That is definitely not something she's sharing with her 45 year old gym teacher. She settles for half truths.

"I wasn't feeling very well. It's just been a lot recently and I've been feeling kind of stressed with it all."

"School?"

Karolina nods, not able to verbally commit.

"I understand this year is a lot of pressure, Karolina, but this is important. You still want your scholarship, right?"

Karolina's ears perk up. Of course she wants the scholarship. It's the only thing that makes this whole school worth a damn. Since her mother told her she would only pay for her to go to Christian universities, Karolina has to pay her own way through school. There's no way in hell, pardon her language, that she is going to spend another four years in the closet at some conservative institution.

"Of course!"

"Then you gotta work hard. I'm going to help you in anyway I can, and if you need someone to talk to, you can always talk to me, but you also need to help yourself, Dean."

In many ways, Coach Diaz is like a mother figure to her. It's too creepy to say out loud and she never would, but she admires her. Admires the kind of hardworking and compassionate person she is, treating everyone around her with equal amounts of respect. She doesn't want to let her down.

"I'll focus," she tells her, determined to make this the top priority in her life. No more distractions.

"Good, you're benched."

"What?" Karolina asks, incensed.

"Calm down, it's only for this practice. You'll still play Wednesday. Take that time to reflect why you shouldn't elbow your teammate in the stomach."

"But, Coach--"

"No buts. There has to be some sort of punishment. I can't play favorites."

Karolina accepts her fate and walks back to the field, her head hanging low. She really needed to practice today. To work out every bit of her that's currently on edge from last night. As she sits on the bench and watches her teammates play, she falls deeper into herself. There is nothing to distract her from her thoughts meandering back to Nico. Before she goes crazy, she abruptly stands up and walks towards her coach.

"Coach, I know I'm benched, and I'm not going to ask to play, but can I please run laps?"

The coach must notice the desperation in her eyes because she nods once and Karolina is flying off sprinting around the course. When practice is over, every muscle in Karolina's body is screaming in protest. The burning in her lungs sensation stronger than ever. Only then does she realize that it was probably stupid to shower before practice.

Karolina is almost late to her first class. She decided to shower again and barely made it before the bell rung, crossing the threshold as soon as it did. The rest of her day is filled to the brim with classes. She barely has time to think about anything or anyone else.

When she comes back to her room, however, her thoughts come racing back as quickly as they left: Nico is still not there. Was she avoiding her? Karolina tries to convince herself she is being paranoid, and to just wait it out. She waits it out until 2 AM but Nico still does not show up. Karolina decides that she is probably studying late, even though it's the beginning of the semester and way into the night. She decides to fall asleep before her brain can find too many flaws in its own logic.

In the morning, when she wakes up, Nico is still not there. She lightly knocks on the bathroom door just in case, but there is no response. Now, her imagination can't help but run wild. It scans through every scenario from Nico is avoiding her to Nico switched schools to Nico is most definitely dead. She scratches off the last one as quickly as it came. She decides that if anyone knows, it's probably Gert.

She marches determinedly out of her room to go to Gert's, only to realize that she doesn't know where Gert's would be. Has she really been that out of touch with them? She eventually has the brilliant idea of getting her room number from the office.

She knocks on Gert's door. A sleepy girl with curly hair Karolina has never seen before opens the door, still in her pajamas.

"Hey?"

"Hey, you must be Gert's sister."

She looks behind the girl to see the room in disarray. A pillow and blanket on the floor, a couple of clothes scattered on a bed. Clearly a third person had been sleeping in their room. It was probably Nico.

"I am, you are?"

"Karolina."

The girl's expression falls. Seems that she's heard something she doesn't like, and since the only thing Karolina said was her name, it's probably her. Has Nico said anything? She said she wouldn't.

"Gert's not here," Molly tells her, her arms crossed protectively in front of herself.

"Oh, I was actually looking for Nico?"

"Nico's _definitely_ not here."

She has _definitely_ heard something.

"Okay, thanks… I guess, I'll see you around?"

"Sure," Molly says shortly closing the door behind her. Karolina leaves the interaction more confused than when she came into it. She sulks back to her own room. Was the bed there really for Nico? Had Nico been sleeping on Gert's hardwood floor only to avoid her? But more prevalent in her mind is the screaming question of did Nico tell?

She opens the door to the exact person she had just been thinking about. She is picking out an outfit from her closet and stuffing it into a black backpack. Gert is sitting on the bed watching her cautiously.

"Nico," Karolina says breathlessly as she steps into the room.

Nico spins around. Her hair seems flatter than usual, her eyes puffy, her face mildly surprised. Gert shifts from worried to defensive in an instant. She gets up from the bed to move closer to Nico - almost forming a human shield around her.

"I'm not going to bite her," Karolina jokes, but neither girl laughs.

"I thought you had class right now," Nico says, she seems so small, Karolina can't help but feel guilty that it might be her fault. If she thinks about it, actually, she's been feeling guilty a lot recently.

"I came to pick up my backpack."

"Oh, okay."

Nico goes back to grab shoes and stuffs them into her backpack.

"Where are you going?" Karolina asks.

"I'm sleeping at Gert's tonight."

"Why?"

Gert interrupts before Karolina can get a truthful answer, "I need her."

Karolina remembers that she's in the room.

"Everything okay?"

"Everything's fine," Gert cuts the conversation short, "Come on, Nico." Gert drags her by the arm. Karolina watches them go. She doesn't know how she feels. She could feel irritated because Nico is avoiding her, but she doesn't. She could feel angry because she probably told after Karolina asked her not to, but she doesn't. She could feel relieved to finally have a space to herself, but she doesn't. Karolina is just sad. She grabs her backpack and makes her way to class - hoping it will help distract her.

The distraction is limited to her walk there, however, given that her first class is history, and Gert's in her history class. She feels her eyes burning a hole in the back of Karolina's skull. She tries her best to concentrate on the lecture on World War I, but she's pretty sure she couldn't be able to tell the difference between the Allied and the Axis powers at this point. She turns back a couple of times to see if Gert will look away, but she only tilts her head sideways questioningly. The question in her eyes make Karolina hope that maybe Nico hasn't told her, or at least hasn't told her everything.

She gets her confirmation that Nico kept her promise when a small paper finds its way to her desk.

'What happened between you and Nico?'

Karolina's stomach drops at the message, but she also feels a weight off her shoulder knowing her secret is still safe. There's no way her secret could spread around the school. No way her teammates could know. No way that this could get back to her mother.

'I don't know what you mean' she writes back.

She passes it back, it crawls through four different hands before it reaches Gert's. To her relief, she doesn't hear from Gert for the rest of class and is able to retain some information on Franz Ferdinand.

Her relief is short-lived, however. She rushes to pack her bag, knowing Gert will probably be popping up to ask her more questions at any minute. She thinks she's safe and clear of danger when she doesn't see her in the classroom, but then she is just waiting outside for her. When did she get past her?

"Can we talk?" Gert asks her.

Karolina only solemnly nods, aware of the epic lectures that Gert gives, having been on the receiving end of many in the past. They walk together exchanging pleasantries until they reach a secluded enough bench outside to talk without prying ears. Karolina is the first to break the tension.

"I don't know what happened, Gert."

Gert frowns, deep in thought, "She keeps saying it's something with her parents and she needs my company, but that she panics every time I mention her going back to her room. It doesn't make much sense." Gert shakes her head trying to make sense of the situation. Karolina's heart hurts at the confirmation that Nico was indeed ignoring her. That she indeed couldn't stand to be around her anymore.

"I don't know Gert. I'll talk to her if you want me to."

Karolina thought they were due for a talk anyway, might as well suggest it as a favor in order to raise less suspicions.

"Maybe that'll work, thanks. Sorry for accusing you, Kar." Gert was the only other person who in time adopted Nico's nickname for her.

The seemingly ever present guilt rises up like bile in Karolina's throat. Not only was Gert right to accuse her, but she did have her own secret agenda as to why she wanted to talk to Nico. She pushes that feeling aside for now.

As soon as Gert leaves, she texts Nico: 'can we talk?'

The reply comes faster than she expected, 'I don't know. I think Gert still needs me.'

'We both know that's not true' Karolina types back, annoyed that Nico is avoiding her enough to keep up the obvious lie Gert came up with earlier.

'Okay' is all Nico answers after five agonizing minutes. In the time she has to herself, Karolina reflects on her relationship with Nico, past and present. One particular memory has been bothering her ever since the girl stepped back into her life.

* * *

  _Karolina had been talking for hours to Nico about Eiffel, her roommate. They are in the library because they were supposed to be studying for their physics final together, but all Karolina can seem to focus on is Eiffel. How they'd snuck out the previous night to go and meet some people out on the shack behind the field. How they'd had alcohol and Karolina had never been around alcohol like that before. She'd been around it when her parents drank, but never has she had access to it like that. How they'd played truth or dare and it ended up with several people kissing. How Karolina thankfully avoided being a part of that._

_Nico only half pays attention as Karolina keeps babbling on about her night with Eiffel._

_"Can we talk about anything else?" Nico asks, her tone snappish._

_"Oh," Karolina stops, taken aback, "Sure, I guess, what did you want to talk about?"_

_"Not Eiffel," Nico says in disgust._

_"What do you have against her?"_

_Nico shrugs before telling Karolina something she already knew was a lie by the way Nico's mouth twitches before saying it, "I just don't think she's a good influence on you."_

_"I didn't drink, Nico."_

_"Not yet."_

_"You don't know that."_

_"But I do. There's no way you're going to hang out with that girl and it won't end in trouble."_

_"That girl? She's my friend."_

_"Friends don't make other friends drink."_

_"She didn't make me drink. She offered and when I said no, she didn't force it."_

_"Sure," Nico replies sarcastically._

_"Why don't you trust me?" Karolina is now getting angry. Why is Nico treating her like this? She's just jealous that Karolina was able to branch out and make new friends, while she's still confined to Gert and her._

_"I trust you, Kar," she says in a sigh, "I don't trust her."_

_"If you trust me, then why are you attacking me like this?" Karolina is still not done with her anger._

_Nico seems like she's about to respond then composes herself. Karolina wishes she would've yelled back, not swallowed her feelings like she always did. She collects her books and stashes them in her backpack. "You're right, Kar. I'm sorry if I attacked you." Nico exits the library, her things in hand, leaving behind a confused and slightly angry Karolina._

_That night when she went to Gert and Nico's room to make sure Nico was okay, she found the door open. As she walked through it without knocking, Karolina only caught, "It's gonna be okay, Nico," before Gert stopped talking when she saw her. She looked at Karolina guiltily, like she was keeping something from her. This was the first time Gert did this, and it infuriated Karolina as much then as it does now._

* * *

Karolina was always troubled by that memory. After that day the once inseparable duo, Nico and Karolina, started to drift apart, and she never really understood why. Nico and Gert became closer, and their secret language began. Karolina never spoke it, and neither of them were willing to teach her. She never knew what they were keeping from her, but she knew they were keeping something. She also knew that real friends didn't keep things from each other.

So, she distanced herself. She hung out with Eiffel and her new friends until it reached the point where she no longer hung out with Gert and Nico at all. She'd like to remember that she was more accepting of their separation at the time than she was. She was truthfully distraught, and it didn't help that Nico and Gert never tried to fix anything. Never came after her, or asked her if she was okay. They just kept to themselves and let Karolina pull away like she never meant anything to them.

Nico arrives and makes herself known with a gentle knock at the door. She runs for her own bed and sits as far from Karolina as she can curled up against the wall.

"What did you want to talk about?"

Karolina notices she still hasn't brought back the backpack from earlier. This isn't a battle won, just a battle commenced.

"You've been avoiding me."

Nico doesn't confirm nor deny.

"Why?"

Nico shrugs, but she knows why, Karolina just wants to her it from her.

"Can we talk about Sunday?" Karolina can feel her body flush at the memory of that fateful night.

"I didn't tell anyone," Nico defends herself.

"I know you didn't. Thanks. But that's not why I wanted to talk about it."

Nico's curiosity seems peaked, "Why did you then?"

All the courage that Karolina had deflates as their eyes meet for the first time.

"I got it the first time, Karolina," Nico says a bit of poison to her tone, but clearly tired. " _We were drunk_ ," she maliciously mocks Karolina's statement from a couple of nights ago.

"No! You don't understand."

"I understand plenty," Nico's now stood. Her rage seems to crackle like electricity around her. "I came out to you, you wanted to experiment, and that's it. It didn't matter. You were drunk."

Nico is telling her all the words she wanted to hear after the panic settled in on Sunday. She's telling her it was a mistake, that it didn't matter, that Karolina wasn't truly gay - she was just experimenting. Everything she truly wanted to believe for herself. So, why did it sound so rotten to her ears now that they were spoken.

"I've been _this_ , whatever it is, before for people, and it didn't bother me then, so why should it bother me now?"

Karolina doesn't miss that Nico doesn't say she's not bothered by it, only mentions that she shouldn't be. "I don't know, Nico, why should it?" She knows she's treading dangerous waters, but if they don't get the opportunity to be honest with each other now, Karolina fears they never will.

That shuts Nico up. She stands there stunned, unable to answer Karolina's question.

Once she recuperates herself, she frowns, "You never did change, did you?"

"What do you mean?" Karolina asks, curious and slightly offended at the rhetorical question.

"You know what I mean, Karolina. Don't play dumb. It doesn't suit you."

Karolina is now confused, 'why is she being treated like this?'

She knows the only thing that will get her anywhere is kindness. She makes her way to Nico's bed and sits on it, waiting for Nico to take a seat beside her. When Nico doesn't, she says in all honesty, "I really don't, Nico."

Nico only shrugs. Karolina's everlasting patience then exhausts itself.

"You're the one who hasn't changed. You're still the same. You still shut me out every time I try to talk to you like I'm just supposed to know what's going on in your head. How am I supposed to know what's going on in your head if you won't tell me? How am I supposed to make things okay between us if you won't explain to me what I did wrong in the first place--"

"You don't understand!" Nico yells at her. Karolina is quick to recoil from her rant, startled at Nico's passionate reaction.

"God, Karolina. Of course I can't tell you what's going on in my head--" 

"Why?"

Karolina stands and sizes up Nico - using her height to her advantage, ready to not let her give up this time. She approaches the girl and waits to see if the fight in Nico's eyes will die out. It doesn't.

"Because I like you, damn it. Or at least I did. I _liked_ you, past tense. But then I kissed you and you kissed me back and all of these old feelings rushed back in and I don't know how to act around you anymore like I didn't know how to act around you back then."

Karolina doesn't know how to feel. She likes Nico back, but she can't bring herself to say it. If she says it then being gay won't just be a hypothetical she constantly pushes to the back of her mind, it would be a reality she wasn't sure she was ready to endure. But then again, would she ever be? There has to be the first step at some point. She had plans to take that colossal step in college, but it seems now that the universe is forcing her to forgo her plans and do something about it now.

Karolina is stuck inside her own head and doesn't realize that Nico has sulked away from her towards their door.

"I get it it's stupid and it's predictable, I liked my straight best friend. I'll leave, Kar. I'll ask for a room transfer or something. I'll stay at Gert's until then."

Before Nico can walk out of her life again, Karolina makes a point of letting her know that this time, now that she understands, she wants her to stay. She places her hand above Nico's on the door handle. A gasp catches itself in Nico's throat. Karolina places her other hand on Nico's hip and guides her to turn around.

With one hand on her hip and the other resting on her jaw, she leans down and kisses Nico for the second time.

They only kiss briefly before Nico is pulling away. She stammers her way to complete a full sentence, "But you're… aren't you?"

"I don't know," Karolina tells her, breathlessly, not yet able to commit to a label, "I'm attracted to you, I know that."

"You are?"

"Mhmm," she musters out before she's back to softly kissing Nico.

They let themselves be tender, exploring the softness in each other. They run slow hands against each other's curves, willing themselves to memorize every single one. Both are scared to let the moment break. They don't understand exactly what they are getting themselves into, but there seems to be a secret promise to get to the other end together. To understand this together. This could be a moment, this could be more. They take advantage of it while they can.

Nico lays resting her head on Karolina's shoulder, both now in their pajamas. Karolina runs her fingers through Nico's hair while analyzing the way in which her nose slopes perfectly. The real world slowly creeps back in through her veins and Karolina's caresses stop. Nico's eyes open softly. She raises her head.

She seems to read Karolina's mind, "You're not ready for anyone to know."

Karolina shakes her head softly. She hopes Nico doesn't catch it in case what she's asking is too much of her.

"Don't worry, Kar. I won't tell."

She raises herself slightly on her elbows and gently kisses Karolina's tense lips. Karolina relaxes, she has time and she has Nico. Maybe the year wouldn't be as bad as she predicted, maybe the stars would align themselves for once. Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is up :) I'm going to try and update this story every Saturday and keep a regular update schedule for it.
> 
> BTW, I just created a twitter account, so like follow me there, i'm still trying to figure it out
> 
> Twitter: downtothewire2, Tumblr: downtothe-wire
> 
> PS: I changed field hockey to soccer, because I realized I know nothing about field hockey, and know some things about soccer and was only making life difficult on myself for no reason. I'm sorry I couldn't be the Karolina field hockey representation someone might've wanted, but I hope soccer karolina is just as good, haha.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karolina and Nico try to understand what is happening between them

Karolina wakes up to the soft sound of Nico's breathing. She looks over to the bed next to her to see Nico still fast asleep. She tries to make the least amount of noise possible as she gets ready for her day. She shuffles quietly around the room, the lights still off. She's able to see by the sliver of sunshine that slips through their blinds.

She's halfway through changing into her pants, when she hears Nico groaning. She quickly buttons her pants and throws on the first shirt she can find in her closet.

"Boo," she hears Nico groggily chant, "Take longer."

Karolina realizes that the girl meant that she got dressed too quickly. Her cheeks start to burn up. Karolina didn't think she'd feel this nervous around Nico after the previous night, but here she was.

"Morning," she greets Nico, before continuing on her morning tasks. She had the first game of the season today and she had to concentrate. She couldn't get distracted if they wanted to win nationals.

"Morning, how'd you sleep?"

"Good, you?" Karolina isn't lying, she hasn't slept this well in a really long time, but she's not sure how she should be acting after last night. Are they just friends? Was it just a one time thing? Do they keep making out? Is this dating?

"Good too." Nico rolls over in bed and stretches. Karolina averts her eyes from staring at her now exposed stomach.

Karolina walks by her to grab her backpack, but she's stopped by Nico's hand on her wrist. Nico runs her thumb on her skin. Before her body can fully lose itself to the touch, she quickly pecks Nico on the lips. Nico quirks her eyebrow up at her questioningly, but Karolina avoids the situation by proclaiming, "I have a game. Bye!"

She's out of the room faster than she thought she could be. She would definitely have some explaining to do when she's back in the evening. She sighs, deciding to forget the current embarrassment she's feeling and focus instead on practice. Today was not the day to get distracted by Nico Minoru.

As it always does, as soon as Karolina steps on the field her focus is based solely on winning. She sees nothing else around her and it's like the rest of the world disappears. On game days, Karolina gets to skip class in favor of training, and those are always the greatest days she has in school.

Once the game begins, Karolina is positioned in the field and she can hear the bleachers start to fill up. Almost everyone always come to the games. It isn't because of school spirit or even supporting their team, it's because other schools visit. And when those other schools are co-ed like the one today, then hormonal teenage girls pile around the bleachers in their shortest uniform skirts with their faces straddling the thin line of how much makeup is acceptable per school dress code.

Nico never followed that rule. She wore as much makeup as she wanted and it landed her in the principal's office almost daily, but when the next day she just shows up in the same amount of makeup, teachers kind of gave up. They just accepted that Nico would wear as much makeup as she wanted. She was one of the few people that never came to these games.

Karolina's laser focus breaks as she scans the bleachers to see if Nico was perhaps there this time around. When she realizes what she's doing, she shakes her head, and forcefully places her mindset back on the field. This isn't the time to get distracted.

With her attention back on the field, their team easily win the game. Karolina even scores one of their three goals. She scores a headed goal after a corner kick. She feels the rush of the crowd cheering as she runs back to midfield, her position in the game. She hides the excitement she feels as she watches the other team's goalkeeper walk to the back of the goal to grab the ball. When the final whistle blows, her whole team gather in a huddle to celebrate.

She walks off the game with a huge smile plastered on her face, her thighs covered in dirt, her cheeks flushed from exhaustion, and her ponytail messy.

"Karolina!" she hears her name being called off field. She turns see who it is. She finds Gert waving at her. Next to her is Molly, who looks at her suspiciously in a cheerleading uniform. Karolina guesses she is one. Next to her is Nico.

Nico, Karolina realizes. Nico came to the game. Nico never comes to the games. Did she come for her? Nico stands a bit unsure, but at the same time confident, once again Karolina is not sure how she's supposed to act around her. She walks towards them, slowing her previous pace.

"Hey, guys," she says once she reaches them.

"Hey!" Gert responds animatedly, "You did great!"

"Yeah, congrats," Molly congratulates her less excitedly.

"Thanks," she says this with a kind smile directed at Molly. She's not sure why the younger girl has her doubts about her. Karolina has never been good with people not liking her, and she's determined to soothe Molly's qualms.

"You did really great, Kar," Nico smiles, looking at her through her lashes. Karolina's heart beats a little faster at the compliment and the softness in Nico's expression.

"Thanks, Nico," Karolina replies and it comes out a little more breathless than she'd like given that they're trying to keep a secret.

She snaps back into reality when she sees Molly and Gert's wondering stares from the corner of her eye. She's quick to exit the situation before she gives herself away.

"Really, guys, thanks for coming. I'm going to go shower," She awkwardly points to the direction of the locker rooms with her thumb before heading there.

After showering, getting ready, and the post game team meeting, Karolina doesn't even have any time before she's already at the celebration. The shed is packed to the brim, like is common around game day, not even with only girls, but also boys from the different schools that somehow found their way in. Karolina will never know how they do it, and she doesn't care to know because she's not willing to carry the role of accomplice.

By the sheer amount of people here, she's sure that the teachers know something is going on and are choosing to not look for them, because there is no way they don't know that half the school is missing. In nights like these, the alcohol is kept under wraps, in case if a teacher does walk in they don't make their activities obvious. They keep them in flasks that are discretely passed from person to person. If a teacher happens to come by, whoever has the flask has to stuff it in their pocket. They're usually able to get away with it, but when a person doesn't there is a we all go down together mentality they all abide by. Karolina chooses not to think about how unsanitary the whole thing is.

She's been here half an hour sipping lightly from a flask that finds its way to her hand at times, barely paying attention to anything around her. Someone grabs the flask from her hand and she recognizes the dark nails.

"What are you doing here?"

"Are you not glad to see me?" Nico responds with a smirk.

"Of course! You just never come to these things."

She shrugs, "Thought I'd make an exception."

"Really? Why?" Karolina is intrigued, she's been flirted with enough in the past to know when it's happening.

"Saw some hot player on the field earlier today, thought I'd try my chance."

"Can I ask who?" Karolina asks, her hands are itching to reach out and touch Nico, but she holds back.

"Some blonde with really nice legs."

"Be careful or I might get jealous."

"You don't have to be."

"Why's that?" Their bodies unknowingly drift closer to each other. Nico purposefully brushes their hands, then drags it away. Karolina is sure she's being teased. It feels different like they have this secret no one else can touch, and if she's honest, it's kind of hot.

"It's you," Nico says, a pink tint tingeing her cheeks.

Karolina is over their foreplay or whatever it was now, she leans down to whisper in Nico's ear, "Follow me."

They leave the party without saying bye to anyone there. They walk back to their room together, keeping their distance as to not arouse any suspicions. Once safely inside, Karolina leans against the door. She looks at Nico issuing a challenge for her to come closer, and Nico is quick to accept. Her hands rest on Karolina's thighs. She drags her nails slowly towards Karolina's hips.

"You're kind of obsessed with those," Karolina cheeks at her.

Nico's lips are a hair width away from Karolina's, "How could I not be," she concludes before connecting them.

Nico is kissing her hungrily, unlike the previous night. Karolina makes a mental note to always invite Nico to her games if this was how it was going to end. Soon, Karolina can't stand that they're still in the same position anymore and decides to move things along. She grabs under Nico's thighs and hoists her up, turning around and pressing her against the door instead.

Karolina pulls away to gage Nico's reaction. Nico's mostly surprised, but something in her eyes make them darker, her pupils more dilated and Karolina's not sure what's going on, but she thinks she's doing a good job. She smiles at her widely, proud of herself.

The surprise dies out from Nico's face, being overshadowed completely by the look in her eyes.

"Bed," she says in a whisper.

Karolina nods emphatically while rushing the both of them to Nico's bed, dropping Nico on it first. She bounces back a bit, making her giggle. Karolina's momentarily confused as she doesn't think she's ever heard Nico giggle, but she replaces that with the more urgent matter at hand. She leans down and kisses the giggle off Nico.

They make out, Karolina on top, until Nico goes for her neck. Karolina instinctively rolls her hips over the smaller girl. Nico groans and pulls away from Karolina's neck to lock her ankles around the girl's hips and rolls them over so she's on top, proceeding to resume her attack.

Karolina feels overheated. Like her body is melting lava. She can feel herself almost turn from solid to liquid. Nico's hands moving over her body leave a scorching trail in their wake. She can feel every single nerve ending in her body wake up and every hair stand in attention. Then, Nico touches her over her shorts, and Karolina is now positive her body has been liquified.

"Oh, God," Karolina mumbles as Nico rubs her.

She hides her face in Nico's shoulder, her moans muffled by the action. Her hips follow Nico's movement in turn, trying to create more friction.

"Is this okay?" Nico asks. Karolina is pretty sure her body is answering that question pretty loudly, but she gives Nico the confirmation she needs anyway.

"More," she's able to muster out breathily against Nico's neck.

Nico grins, and Karolina is so lost she can't be bothered to tease her for being smug. Nico's hand leaves its spot to trail up Karolina's navel and beneath the elastic waistband of her shorts. Nico slides her hand over her underwear, taking an agonizingly slow time to reach its final destination where Karolina so desperately needs it. When it does, it's like an electric current shakes her. Karolina lightly bites Nico's shoulder to keep herself from making too much noise.

Nico's barely there a minute before they hear a noise that isn't either of them.

Standing at their door is a drunk Gert. Her hand that was hidden inside her jacket slips out to reveal a flask. She appears to be in shock at the sight before her.

"Holy shit!" she screams.

The scream breaks them out of their spell. Nico realizes her hand is still inside Karolina's shorts, and she pulls it away swiftly. Karolina feels both a sense of loss float through her body and immediately after a wave of embarrassment. She sprints from Nico's bed to the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

She focuses on trying to control her breathing, but she can still hear Gert and Nico's voices not so subtly discussing what just happened.

The door to their room slams shut, and Nico must drag Gert into the middle of the room, because she's apologizing profusely.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"It's fine, just shut up!" Nico hisses at her.

The room goes deadly silent then. Karolina can feel her unsteady breathing come back up. Someone knocks lightly at the door.

"Kar?" Nico calls out, "Are you okay?"

Karolina can't form words. They're lodged at the back of her throat and slowly suffocate her.

"Can you at least let me in?"

She finds the strength to unlock the door, falling to the ground straight after from the effort. The door creaks open and Nico is quickly rushing to her side.

"Hey, hey, breathe."

Nico cleans the tears off Karolina's cheeks that she didn't even realize were there until then.

"Need me to back up or come closer?"

"Closer."

Nico wraps her arms around Karolina's shoulder, "Just follow my breathing. You'll be okay, Kar."

Karolina concentrates on Nico's breathing and copies it best she can. Soon her brain is so focused on the repetitive motion, that her tears subside and her breaths come easily. Nico pulls back once she sees Karolina relax.

"See? You're okay."

Karolina relaxes at Nico's words. She looks around the room and takes it in. What was before nothing but blurs, start to make sense in her head. Nico's watching her with kind and protective eyes, while Gert just looks worried.

"Come on, let's get you to bed," Nico tells her, offering her hand to help her stand up. Karolina takes it and follows Nico to her own bed. She lies down under her covers, bringing them protectively up to her chin, Gert's sitting on Nico's bed while Nico's inside the bathroom brushing her teeth.

"Could you--"

Gert doesn't let her finish, already knowing where it's going, "Don't even worry about it, Kar, I won't mention it to anyone. Your secret's safe with me."

Karolina exhales, relieved she didn't even have to ask. Her eyes suddenly feel heavy, the weight of the day hanging on them. Her body's like a stone weighing down the bed. She lets her brain drift off into sleep, too tired to dream of anything.

Karolina wakes up to the sounds of Nico moving around the room. Their room is bathed in darkness.

"You're awake," she hears Nico say, "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I couldn't sleep."

Karolina searches around the mostly lightless room. She's not sure if it's night or early morning, but it's definitely not wake up time yet. Nico has a glass of water in hand, and the flashlight on her phone is on, making Karolina squint as her eyes glance past it. She sees a dark journal on Nico's bed and a pen next to it.

"You're-You're writing?" Karolina asks.

"Mhm, sorry if I woke you up." Nico reaches her bed and closes the journal on it. She turns off the flashlight and tucks herself in.

"Don't worry about it," Karolina sits up on her bed, stretching her arms. She lets her body collapse on itself after, exhausted even though she just slept.

"Are you okay?" Nico talks to her like a wounded animal.

"I am. Things just got a bit out of control, I'd say..."

"I'm sorry if I pushed anything, I wasn't--"

"It wasn't just you," Karolina interrupts her before she can blame herself, "I was a pretty complacent part of it too." She feels the blush start to form at the roots of her hair and spread through the rest of her face.

"Oh, okay."

"But I-I think we went too far. No, no, we did go too far. I'm not ready for it, Nico - for any of it. I don't know who I am, I can't be in a relationship. And I know this isn't a relationship, but I can't be kissing you and doing stuff with you without getting feelings, and I can't have that right now. With my scholarship, and colleges, and SATs, and everything. It's too overwhelming. I-I-I'm just not ready."

Nico lets her rant her way across her busy mind, saying everything that's been plaguing her mind up until this point, and some things she wasn't even aware were bothering her.

"I get it, Kar. This has been a lot from the beginning. From barely talking to this," Karolina can hear a tinge of sadness and hesitation behind Nico's tone.

"It has..." Karolina admits to Nico and herself, "I'm really hoping we could keep being friends."

"Of course we can still be friends, Karolina. It's all I've ever really wanted. I've missed you these last two years."

"You have?"

"Of course. You were my best friend."

Karolina feels a tug at her heart at the use of the past tense, but she guesses it makes sense. They haven't been friends in a while. There is no way that her or Nico could claim that they were still best friends, maybe not even friends, but they could rebuild it.

"You too."

An all-consuming silence fills the room until Nico decides she's ready to break it, "So, update me on your life. What's this about you having thrown up while drunk? The Karolina I knew once told me she'd rather eat meat than go near alcohol. Even scolded me for once sharing a beer with Gert."

Karolina is thankful for the change in subject, she laughs lightly, "I guess things change. I don't drink a lot. But now I would much rather drink a whole bottle of vodka than eat a chicken wing."

"Hmm," Nico contemplates, "I like the sound the bones make when you break them on a chicken wing."

"Nico!" Karolina scolds, "How-how can you--"

Nico laughs loudly, "Okay, you're still easily shocked. Glad to know somethings don't change."

"Of course I'm shocked!" Karolina exclaims, still not in on the joke, "You talk like a psychopath then expect me to act normal?"

"Psychopath? Seems like a bit of a stretch, but I'll take it," she teases, before assuring Karolina, "I don't mean most things I say in general, Kar, calm down. I just like to get a reaction from you, I guess."

Was that flirting? No, Karolina can't think like that. They just talked about only being friends. She can't mess it up minutes later with her hyperactive brain.

"Poor little birdie," Karolina says in her sweetest tone.

"Ugh, you're still such a crunchy hippie." Nico groans, throwing herself back dramatically on her pillow.

"At least I stay true to my brand. You went from nerdy to this sad goth kid," Karolina's afraid she went too far, but when Nico only laughs in return, she relaxes.

They wait until the laughter dies out. Nico looks at Karolina with soft eyes that shine in the soft light. The whole moment charged.

"What?" Karolina asks.

"Nothing, I just really missed you," Nico admits.

"I missed you too."

They talk about nothing and everything until the sun rises and they both have to go about their lives. Karolina thinks Nico stares at her neck before she leaves a bit, like she has something to say, but doesn't. Karolina ignores it, striking it as a figment of her imagination. Karolina has to be at practice early, while Nico gets an extra hour before she has to leave the room for classes. With friendly goodbyes and a light heart, Karolina leaves the room.

Practice begins with Coach Diaz excitedly congratulating them on the win. Then promptly reminding them that one win didn't mean anything so they didn't slack off.

Karolina's about to run off to join the drills, when a hand on her arm stops her, "Nice hickey, Dean," Amy tells her.

All the easiness she was feeling before evaporates. How could she have missed that in the mirror this morning. Her hand jumps to cover the bruise on her neck.

Amy laughs at her, clearly not understanding why the tension, "Don't be embarrassed, Karolina, it's fine," they walk out onto the field together, "Did you see Nico yesterday? She was at the party. I couldn't believe it. You being her roommate is already having an effect on what I was pretty sure was a lost case. I knew it'd be good for her, but you're surpassing all my expectations."

Karolina doesn't say anything to that. Her and Amy just start practicing passes together. She chooses to look at the ball while she rolls it underneath her feet instead of Amy.

"So, who'd you leave with? I saw you at the beginning of the party, then didn't see you again," Amy brings the subject back up.

"Why do you assume I left with someone?" Karolina asks defensively.

Amy simply points at her own neck, where Karolina now assumes the bruise is on her own.

"It was no one. I kissed some random guy at the party from the other school. And then, like, left early. Wasn't really into it."

Karolina knows she's a terrible liar, and this is evidenced by the small twitch in Amy's expression. Amy seems to be deep in thought, but she pushes it aside.

"Was Nico in the room? I didn't see her at the end either."

"Yeah, she was already asleep when I got there."

"Nico? Asleep before 2 AM?"

"I guess she was tired."

"But I saw her right before I saw you. How'd she get from the party to the room so quickly, and into bed, already asleep?"

"I don't know. We didn't talk much at the party."

"But still..."

Before she can be interrogated any further and more faults can be found in her statement, the coach blows her whistle warning both girls to join the team for a scrimmage match.

Nico did always say that her sister had a inquisitive mind. Too curious for its own good. She was the one who ultimately found out about Nico's father's affair. She dug too deep, and Karolina would have to steer clear from her for awhile if she wanted to keep her secret. Find a new drill partner. Maybe Jaime. She was scared of her still, she could use it to her advantage to intimidate the girl into being her partner. People being scared of you had to be good for something.

She sighs and runs after Amy to join the rest of the team.

After practice, Karolina showers off the sweat. She takes longer than usual so she can wait until all of her teammates are already heading out to class. Once she's sure she's alone and with no chance of running into anyone, especially not Amy Minoru, she steps out of the shower to inspect the bruise on her neck in the mirror closest to her.

'Is this okay?' she hears Nico's sultry voice from the night before whisper. Suddenly she can feel Nico's hands inside her shorts again. The familiar shocking sensation pulsating through her body. Her eyes drift slowly as she remembers.

Her hands fly away from her neck.

'Fuck' she thinks, catching herself before she strayed too far. She needs to get a stronger grip on this whole only friends thing. Why did she suggest this again?

Oh right, she's a mess. Not ready. Blah blah blah.

She slows her breathing enough to look down at her phone and be able to make out words and numbers. Fifteen minutes until she has to be in class. There isn't time for a cold shower. She'll just have to go to class in this state of mind, great. She really hopes her grades don't suffer as much as she fears they will this semester. She covers up the bruise as best she can with a little bit of foundation, praying to God no one will notice it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a bit ahead on my writing process and decided to post this chapter early, i'll still post on Saturday chapter 4. I hope that this comes as any bit of a happiness to anyone who's suffering out there during this long and painful Deanoru drought. Stay safe my fellow stans <3
> 
> twitter: downtothewire2, tumblr: downtothe-wire


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karolina and Nico are just friends. Just friends, and nothing more. It doesn't matter that Karolina blushes every time she's near her, they're just friends.

Karolina and Nico are friends. Just friends. Not anything more, not anything less. So, she shouldn't blush every time Nico smiles at her, and she shouldn't get this warm feeling in her stomach whenever their hands brush. God damn it, Karolina has kissed the girl and she's a mess when she catches Nico so much as looking at her.

But they are just friends, and just because Karolina has to remind herself of that every moment they are together, doesn't mean that they are anything more. They are just friends.

And friends share friends, right? But Karolina has noticed that every time she's around, Molly just seems to stare her down. She has this constant frown and makes sure to pointedly not laugh at any attempt at a joke that Karolina makes. And she gets it, she's not exactly hysterical, but even when Nico and Gert laugh, Molly just stares, or in the best case scenario offers her a forced smile. She decides to bring it up with Nico.

Nico's scrolling on her computer like she does every night. Karolina's not sure what she does on it, but she assumes it's none of her business to ask. She just throws and catches a ball trying not to talk too much as to not bother her, but she guesses one question won't bother her too much.

"Why does Molly not like me?"

"What? Molly doesn't not like you," Nico says, her tone a bit panicked.

"But she doesn't like me either?"

Nico's pitch gets uncharacteristically high, "Of course she does!"

Karolina throws her ball in Nico's direction, missing on purpose. Nico flinches anyway to avoid it. "Mean!" Nico complains. Nico grabs the ball from the foot of the bed and holds it protectively beside her.

"You're a terrible liar," Karolina grumbles.

"I'm a great liar, and it's not that she doesn't like you, it's just that she's protective, you know? And she wasn't exactly convinced when I told her I was sleeping on her floor because of my parents."

"So it's your fault. I'm a good person, Nico!"

"I know that!" Nico is quick to defend, "And so does Gert, but you know, Molly doesn't really know you."

"Well, then, introduce us."

"Do you really want me to?"

Karolina has to think for a bit, "Yeah, if you like her, and Gert likes her--"

"She's Gert's sister, of course she likes her."

"Anyway," Karolina continues over her, "If both of you like her then I want to get to know her."

"Okay, we'll hang out on the weekend then."

"Cool, I'm gonna win her over."

"She's not as easy as me."

"Are you saying you're easy?"

Nico pouts as she takes in Karolina's teasing. She holds the soccer ball protectively to her side, "You're not getting your ball back."

Karolina smirks at Nico before getting up from her bed and heading predatorily in her direction.

"We'll see about that."

"No!" Nico screams before rolling over and lying on the ball.

"You're gonna flatten it!" Karolina runs over and starts to try and roll Nico off the ball, laughing as she does. When she's unsuccessful, she climbs on Nico's bed, and tries to pry her upwards. It doesn't work either, and Karolina has to resort to her final weapon. She starts to tickle Nico's sides causing the girl beneath her to giggle uncontrollably.

"Karolina, stop!" Nico admonishes through her laughter.

"Give me my ball back!"

"No!"

Karolina goes for what she knows is Nico's weak point and starts to tickle her just below the ribs.

"Okay! Okay! Have the ball back! I Give up! Get off me!"

Karolina does as instructed.

"Okay, I'm off. Get off the ball now."

"No," Nico answers and Karolina can hear her grin through the word.

Karolina rushes back to straddle and tickle her again. In her pain, Nico grabs the ball from underneath her and throws it across the room. She turns around underneath Karolina.

"I'm off it! Stop! Stop!" She pleads as the giggles continue to slip through her lips.

Karolina pulls her hands away and smirks down at Nico. The moment of vulnerability gives Nico a chance to reach up and start to tickle Karolina's sides. Her revenge doesn't last long, however, as Karolina, who is much stronger than she is, just pulls her arms away and pins them on the bed.

"You're so weak it's ridiculous."

"I'm not weak."

"You are, and you giggle when you're tickled. Not a common characteristic of a sad goth."

"I didn't giggle!" Nico protests vehemently.

"Oh you did, like a little school girl."

Nico starts to wiggle underneath Karolina trying to get her off her. Karolina just laughs at her attempt.

She laughs, that is, until she realizes who is thrashing underneath her. Nico is, and Karolina is straddling her, and all in all, this is a very compromising position for two friends. In her distraction, Nico bucks her hips upwards and Karolina ends up falling over her - their faces close. Karolina's eyes instinctively look at Nico's lips, and Karolina is quick to remember what it feels like to kiss them.

'JUST FRIENDS' Her brain shouts at her. She jumps off Nico and runs over to her own bed, collecting her ball on the way.

"Told you I'd get my ball back," Karolina mumbles embarrassed.

"Whatever," Nico tells her, a smile plays at her lips, but she's just as awkward as Karolina who's now back to tossing her ball upwards. Nico grabs her laptop and starts scrolling again. The moment between them over.

When Saturday arrives Karolina is more nervous than she thought she would be to hang out. She has been going through her closet trying to pick something to wear for the last twenty minutes.

"Are you into Molly or something?"

Karolina snaps around, "What? No!"

"Then just pick something out, Karolina! God, what is taking so long?" She complains, exasperated.

Nico has been dressed for the last ten minutes of Karolina's search. She was lying on the bed quietly scrolling through her phone, but apparently she's had enough.

"I just want her to like me," Karolina says.

"Why?"

"Because she's your friend," she says before nervously adding, "and-and Gert's sister."

Nico's expression turns sympathetic, "Kar, don't worry so much," she walks over to Karolina and holds her arms, running her hands up and down them. Karolina feels the familiar warm sensation run through her body. "There's no way she couldn't like you. It's, like, impossible or something. She'll like you like we like you, in anything you're wearing," she finishes, teasing her a bit.

Karolina blushes breaking eye contact before she loses her composure. She shifts through her closet and picks out a yellow t-shirt and jeans.

"Oof," Nico says behind her, her face disapproving.

"What?"

"Molly doesn't really like yellow."

Karolina turns around and starts to frantically look through her clothes. Nico bursts out laughing.

"Karolina! I'm kidding!" She stops Karolina by placing her hand over hers, "You'll look great in that. Wear it."

Nico goes back to her bed and scrolls through her phone. Karolina remains frozen. Her hand burning where Nico previously held it. 'Just friends, just friends, just friends' she chants like a mantra in her head.

The plan was to eat lunch together in the courtyard. Gert and Molly are already sitting with their backs turned to them on a bench waiting as they arrive.

"I don't _have_ to like anyone," they overhear Molly say, making Karolina's stomach drop.

Nico is quick to make their presence known before anything else is said, "Hey, guys!"

Gert and Molly turn around wide-eyed. The four of them stand there awkwardly, and it seems like it's up to Nico to break the ice.

"Should we go sit somewhere in the grass?"

They all nod and follow Nico to a secluded spot on the lawn. They start eating together, the silence slowly broken by time.

"God, I love when it's still sunny out," Molly proclaims. She points her face towards the sun as she soaks in the rays.

"Me too," Karolina adds, and she really does. The sun always made her feel re energized and happy.

"I don't. It's the worst," Nico mumbles through a bite of her sandwich.

"That's just cause you're pale, and sweat will melt a witch," Karolina teases. Her eyes sparkle at Nico as she takes a sip of her water. Gert snorts beside Nico at her joke, and Nico just sticks out her tongue at her. When she turns to gage Molly's reaction, however, it isn't as favorable, she's just looking at Karolina with the same frown she wore whenever she was around.

The sincere smile dies on Karolina's lips and turns awkward.

"Whatever, Karolina," Nico says, gently shoving her. The playful flirtation makes Karolina blush slightly. She rests her hand on Nico's thigh. Molly no longer looks at her annoyed, just curious, and Karolina's not sure which one makes her freak out more.

"How long have you studied here?" Molly inquires. Karolina can tell that a barrage of questions are about to come her way, she readies herself. She pulls her hand away from Nico and places her hands attentively on her lap.

"Since freshman year, with Nico and Gert."

"Yeah, we were friends, and then Kar ditched us for some popular kids, and now we're friends again."

"Gert!" Nico admonishes.

"What? It's true!" Gert never really understood the need to keep her mouth shut, it was either the whole truth or no truth at all. No one could ever fault her for not being honest.

Was that how they really felt? That Karolina abandoned them? This whole time Karolina felt so alone, so utterly alone, and she never stopped to look at it from their point of view. But what was Karolina supposed to do? They were always so secretive and distant around her. Nico seemed to always shy away from her and into Gert. Okay, so now she knew it was because Nico likes - well, liked - her. But she didn't then, what was she supposed to have done?

She feels a comforting hand on her knee, she glances up to see Nico looking at her kindly like she always did when Karolina freaked out, "It's all in the past, Kar. Let's just forget about it."

That's when she knows that Nico understands her wordlessly. She understands that they were just both young and confused. She is trying to move on from anything that happened between her and Karolina.

"It's in the past," Karolina says, letting her know she's trying to move on too. Nico gives her a soft smile that Molly doesn't miss.

"So, how's it having Nico for a roommate? Gert says she was terrible." She's grateful Molly changes the subject, her eyes sweeter.

"She is such a neat freak and she never wants to talk!"

"I'm not a neat freak, you're just a slob, and Karolina isn't."

Karolina was never as neat as she is now that she's Nico's roommate, but she's been extra careful in order to not aggravate Nico. Also because she wants to impress her, but, like, impress her as a friend, you know?

"You do never want to talk though..." Karolina adds.

Nico pulls her hand back from her knee. Karolina immediately regrets saying it, but decides to just play along with Nico's mock outrage.

"I talk to you!"

"If I start the conversation."

"You just talk too much."

"No, you don't talk enough."

"Why are you all coming for me today? What did I do to deserve this--"

"Okay, ladies!" Molly interrupts, "I have a few more questions for Karolina."

She focuses her stare into Karolina's eyes, "Don't think, just answer."

"O-okay?"

The nervousness edges itself back into her system, Karolina straightens her posture, ready to win her over.

"Candy or popcorn?"

"What?"

"At the movies, candy or popcorn?"

"Popcorn?"

"Oof..." Gert says.

"Oof, what?" Karolina panics. Gert and Nico are clearly trying not to laugh.

"Ignore them, stay with me," Molly demands. Karolina focuses her attention back on the questionnaire.

"Horror or comedy?"

"Comedy."

"Cool ranch or nacho cheese?"

"Nacho cheese."

"Rain or snow?"

"Snow."

"Rihanna or--"

"Rihanna," Karolina responds immediately.

Molly looks at her intrigued.

"Just, you know… Rihanna..." Karolina explains, red-faced.

Molly nods before continuing, "Adora or Catra?"

Karolina squirms, "Don't make me choose."

"Red or Black Licorice?"

"Red, who eats black?"

Molly stares her down for a couple of seconds longer. Karolina doesn't dare break eye contact in case it's another test. Molly breaks it and turns to Nico and Gert, "She can stay. I like her."

Karolina exhales for what feels like the first time in the entire conversation, "Oh, thank, God..."

Nico looks at her amused at her reaction, "Shut up," Karolina mumbles.

"Why the licorice question, by the way?" Karolina asks, changing the subject.

"Black licorice is the devil's food."

"Molly, not again--"

"It's devil's food, Gert! He sits on his skull throne making evil decisions while eating it!"

Karolina turns to Nico for an explanation, "Molly's… imaginative." Karolina smiles, glad to be a part of the joke.

"I'm glad we can all be friends. Can we move on now?" Gert proclaims as she lies down on Nico's lap. She shuts her eyes to shield them from the sun, but Karolina sees her slightly open them to see her watching their newfound position. A small satisfied smile plays at Gert's lips.

Karolina knows exactly what Gert's doing, but she's still biting the bait. She watches enviously as Nico runs her hands through her hair. They're having a conversation around her, but Karolina can't hear it. She can only hear the sound of her own thoughts. She's not jealous that it's Gert, she's jealous it's anyone but her. 'Just friends' Karolina repeats her mantra melancholically in her head, the phrase itself not holding as much power as it did before.

"I have to go," Karolina finishes the last bite of her sandwich, and stands to leave.

"So, soon?" Nico asks.

"Um, yeah, I told Coach Diaz I'd come in extra for the game next week."

"Oh, okay," Nico responds, looking disappointed.

"Have fun, Kar," Gert tells her, using her hands to shield her eyes and look at Karolina with a pleased smile. One day Karolina's going to strangle Gert.

"Yeah, good luck! It was nice hanging out," Molly adds.

That seems to cheer her up a bit. At least she got one victory today. She waves them off before heading for the field. She didn't actually promise her coach that she'd train extra this week, she just needs to literally run away from her thoughts.

It has now been two weeks since the last conversation Nico and Karolina had about their relationship, and Karolina has thought about it a lot, but right now she needed her mind to be clear. It was their second game of the season, and there was no way she was letting anything get in the way of her and winning the championship this year. She had scouts to impress, and she has to secure her scholarship.

Karolina puts on her game face, and focuses all of her attention on getting the ball to the net.

The game is running smoothly, they're up by one goal. There isn't much of a difference in the score, the game is almost over, and it seems to be won. Karolina is even rushing the ball forward at the 40th minute of the second half, it's just her and the goalie and she's pretty sure she can make it a two goal difference.

But then, out of nowhere, Karolina is side-tackled. The hit strikes her on the ankle and throws her onto the floor. Before she knows it, she feels her head smack clear against the ground - the impact causing an instant headache. She hears the sound of the whistle blowing. She's turning around to look up at her coach with blurry eyes.

"Karolina, are you okay?" She's barely able to hear it over the ringing in her ears, "I need you to stay awake, can you do that for me?"

Karolina nods, but she feels a sharp pain run through her head as soon as she does. The nausea rises up in her throat and she turns around to throw up on the grass. Soon she's being carried off by the school nurse, and she doesn't remember much between that and reaching the nurse's office.

Karolina sits on the examination table as the nurse is bandaging her ankle and explaining to her that she might have a concussion. She'll need to stay awake for the next twenty-four hours. Karolina holds an ice-pack to her head as she digests all that's being thrown her way.

"You also can't play for at least a week," the nurse finalizes.

"What?!" Karolina freaks out. She can't afford that. If she doesn't play, she can't impress scouts, and if she can't impress scouts she can't get her scholarship.

"I have to play!" she pleads.

"I'm sorry, Karolina, but you have to rest for at least a week," the nurse concludes firmly.

"But--"

"It's for your own good, Dean," Coach Diaz now says, "Don't worry. It's just a week. It won't affect your chances."

Of course Coach knew what she was actually worried about.

"Are you sure?"

"Very sure, Karolina. You'll prove yourself once you're back on the field."

Karolina nods in acceptance.

"Karolina!" She hears a familiar and slightly desperate voice call her name.

"Nico?"

Nico rushes in her direction and is quick to lean in and hug her. She accidentally bumps Karolina's ankle making her groan in pain. Nico jumps back.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" She apologizes, "Are you okay?" she asks as she checks her over for bruises. She's moving Karolina's face around trying to see if there is any bruises on her.

"Nico, I'm fine. Why are you here?"

Coach Diaz is the one to talk again, "You need to stay awake for 24 hours and Nico volunteered to help, since she's your roommate we thought it worked out fine enough. She's here to be briefed on what she should do."

Karolina's heart beats a little harder, "You're okay with this?"

Nico nods softly, "It'll be fun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! <3 btw talk to me about the trailer, because omg
> 
> twitter: downtothewire2, tumblr: downtothe-wire


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico takes care of Karolina in her concussed state

Nico got briefed on everything she had to do. She mostly has to keep tabs on Karolina. Ask her a few questions she got handed by the school nurse and apply ice to the swelling every couple of hours. Anyway, in case of an emergency she has the nurse's personal cell phone number in hand. Karolina trusts her to do just fine.

Nico on the other hand, Karolina can tell, is freaking out. As the nurse lists her the symptoms Karolina might, but probably won't, experience, Nico's face contorts into more and more worry. Karolina's pretty sure that at the mention of vomit, Nico almost throws up herself. Karolina puts a comforting hand on her back, and the irony that she should probably be the one being comforted right now is not lost on Karolina. She only smiles at the thought.

Once in their room, Nico is quick to go over the checklist of questions. She focuses on the sheet in front of her to make sure she's not missing any details.

"What is your name?"

"Karolina," she answers patiently.

"Where are you?"

"At school."

"More specific, please."

"Are you se--" Nico gives her a look that says that yes she is serious, "In our room," Karolina concedes.

Nico nods, "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," Nico gives her a look again, "Fine, a bit tired, a bit of a headache, my foot hurts, is that enough?"

"Yes," Nico tells her, probably choosing to ignore the sarcasm, "And finally how many fingers am I holding up?"

Nico holds up two fingers, "Two."

"Good, now I planned a whole night for us."

"You did what?" Karolina's slightly surprised, but not displeased.

"Yeah, I thought you could use a distraction after today," Nico says, suddenly shy.

"I really could, Nico, thank you," Karolina places her hand on Nico's forearm and smiles slightly. Nico returns the smile and then opens the trunk at the edge of her bed, shifting through it towards the bottom.

"Don't tell anyone I have these. If word gets out, they'll make their rounds faster than drugs or gum," Nico warns her as she pulls out face masks. Karolina didn't know what she expected as she watched Nico rummage through her trunk, but that definitely wasn't it, not that she's complaining.

She follows Nico into the bathroom. Nico reaches for the make-up remover and starts to work off her eyeliner and foundation. Karolina watches mesmerized, she's seen Nico without her makeup, being her roommate and all, but seeing the ritual in itself is a whole other thing. Nico opens the packages and hands one to Karolina.

Nico applies hers perfectly, but sees Karolina's slightly crooked behind her in the mirror, "Here, let me help you." She smooths out the edges with the tips on her fingers, the light touch sending shivers down Karolina's spine. What was her mantra again? Oh, right, just friends.

"Thanks," Karolina says, her cheeks burning.

"Come on, onto part two."

Nico types something on her laptop. She sits on her bed and faces the computer screen away from Karolina.

"What's your favorite show right now?"

"The Good Place?"

Nico gets a proud look in her eyes. She turns the computer around and queued up is the new episode of the show.

"You didn't."

"I knew you'd end up watching it tonight, anyway, concussion or not, plus it's just enough time for us to have to take our masks off." Nico pats the bed next to her and Karolina is quick to hop on it. She sits close to Nico, but not too close, and Nico presses play.

With the episode over, they both remove the masks. Nico instructs Karolina to spread the leftover moisture around her face so it seeps into her skin.

"All I'm saying is that it's wrong for Eleanor and Tahani not to be together in any of the resets, they're clearly into each other. I'm not specifically saying that she shouldn't be with Chidi," Nico explains herself.

"I understand what you're saying, I just never thought of it before."

"How have you never thought of it before?! God, they're so gay for each other!" Karolina stomach tightens at the word 'gay', but she ignores it.

"You're right, you're right," Karolina changes the subject, "So, what are we doing next?"

"Something you asked me years ago, and I told you to fuck off."

Karolina has to go through the list in her head of all the possibilities of what that could be. Nico had a habit of telling people to fuck off in general.

"Sorry, should've narrowed it down," Nico says, "I'm going to need to go through your bathroom stuff for this, is that okay?"

"Okay?" Karolina answers suspiciously.

Nico leaves for the bathroom and comes back with her hands behind her back. Karolina waits patiently for the reveal.

"Don't freak out," Nico tells her before bringing her hands forward and showing her nail polish remover on one hand and Karolina's pink glittery nail polish on the other.

"Nico, you wouldn't..."

She resigns with a sigh, "Go ahead, Kar."

Karolina jumps from the bed, grimacing as she forgets about her foot and it hits the ground. She covers it up with a squeal of excitement. She reaches for the polish but Nico pulls away. Karolina pouts at her in confusion.

"You only get to do it if you answer the questions first."

"Ugh, fine. Go ahead."

"What is your name?"

"Karolina Dean."

"Where are you?"

"In our dorm room."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, mostly excited to paint your nails. Can we just do it already?"

"No, wait," Karolina groans at her before Nico continues, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

This time Nico holds up four, and, so, Karolina responds as such, "Four. You're such a pain."

"Oh, really? How many am I holding up now?" Nico says as she gives Karolina the middle finger.

Karolina laughs and answers, "One. Now can I please do it?"

"Yeah, sure," Nico extends her hands and Karolina is quick to grab the items off them. Karolina drops to sit on the floor cross-legged. She gestures Nico to join her. Nico complies, and Karolina starts to apply the nail polish remover, the cottons going from white to black.

Karolina gasps.

"What?" Nico asks.

"You do have nails under there!" Karolina teases.

Nico laughs lightly, her laugh a bit nervous, "Dork." Karolina threads their fingers together as she continues to clean her nails. She does it because she needs better stability to do her job properly, not because she wants to hold Nico's hand. Not at all. She takes the opportunity to freely feel the softness in Nico's hand, however.

She screws the lid back on the acetone, and moves onto the nail polish. She bring Nico's hand closer to her as she cautiously applies each layer of nail polish. Nico's usual dark finger nails are now girly and pink, a comical contrast against her dark wardrobe.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Honestly, this is so much better than my wildest dreams could've imagined. The pink stands out so much more than I thought it would."

Nico lightly smacks her on the arm with her free hand, "Be glad you already hit your head or I might've had to hit it myself." Karolina chuckles.

As she finishes the final coat of nail polish, she brings Nico's hand closer to her mouth to softly blow them dry. At this point in time, Karolina has completely forgotten that they are only friends.

"Karolina," Nico says breathlessly.

Karolina looks up. Her blue eyes meet Nico's brown, which are filled with so many emotions Karolina can't describe. They make her heart hammer faster in her chest.

"I-"

"Yes?"

Nico shakes her head, "I should probably ask you the questions."

"Wh-what?" The statement feels like an ice bucket drops straight on her head.

"What's your name?"

"Nico..."

"That's my name, what's your name?"

"Nico, can you stop?"

"No, Karolina," Nico says, snapping her hand back, and standing up, "What's your name?"

"You're being ridiculous."

"Just answer the damn question!" Nico shouts.

"Woah," Karolina says, realizing this goes somewhere beyond just the simple questions, "What's going on?"

Nico's eyes are bordering with tears, "I nee-I need to know you're okay, Kar."

"I'm okay," Karolina comforts her as she leans on the bed to help her stand up and limps closer to Nico. Nico takes a step back.

"But you weren't! You were on the ground and then you were throwing up and your foot's hurt and you weren't okay..."

"Karolina."

"What?" Nico asks.

"Karolina, my name's Karolina. Go ahead, what's the next question?" Karolina urges her on.

"Where are you?"

"In our dorm room," Karolina steps closer and links their hands back together.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm great, how are you?"

"I'm okay," Nico says meekly before continuing. She lifts their intertwined hands, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Karolina gives her a brief smile, "Ten," then Karolina tugs on Nico's hand, "Come on, let's watch a movie while your nails dry."

"Apply ice to your forehead while we watch," Nico adds.

"Okay," Karolina says. She grabs one of the ice packs the nurse left for her in a cooler and with the hand not holding Nico's she applies it to her bruise. She slightly hisses as it comes into contact. Nico looks worried at her reaction, but Karolina only gives her a reassuring smile.

They sit on the bed, the laptop on Karolina's lap, and she plays the first movie she can find. Nico lays her head on Karolina's shoulder nonchalantly. Nico's lack of hesitation gives Karolina the courage to run her fingers through Nico's hair. She shuffles them through until Nico's breathing slows and evens out. Karolina lets her sleep through the rest of the movie.

Throughout the movie Nico made herself more and more comfortable. She hooked her leg around Karolina's and her arm wrapped around her middle. When the credits started rolling, Karolina could feel her eyes start to shut, and she thought it was best to wake up Nico. She shook her lightly.

"Mmm," she grumbled as she woke up slowly. Nico sluggishly raised her head to take in her surroundings. She unwrapped her arm from around Karolina and rubbed her eyelids. She yawned and stretched. Karolina notes her every move. She crawled her way up Karolina's body until she was nuzzling her neck, her leg still in place.

"What time is it?" Nico asked.

"About 3 AM," Karolina answers, her heart stuck in her throat. She's not willing to make any sudden movements in case it will scare Nico away.

"3 AM," Nico mumbles, before panicking, "Oh my God! I fell asleep! Kar, I'm so sorry!" She looks at Karolina apologetically, not moving away from her entirely.

"Don't worry so much, I was fine. I watched the movie."

"Did you continue applying the ice?"

"I did."

"Did you apply some to your ankle?"

"No, um," Karolina thinks about her next words carefully, "I couldn't really move." She gestures down to their connected legs, and, much to Karolina's dismay, Nico pulls away.

"Sorry, I'll make it up to you," Nico is quick on her feet. She takes the old ice pack from the bed and drops it in the icebox, picking up a new one. She jumps back on the bed and pats her lap, it takes a full minute for Karolina to realize Nico wants her to put her foot there.

Nico undoes her bandage, going slowly as to not miss a step of what she was taught. She moves Karolina's foot slowly back and forth.

"Does this hurt?"

Karolina shakes her head.

"Good, it seems less swollen too. How about this?" Nico moves Karolina's foot from side to side and she feels a small sting, scrunching her face.

"A bit."

Nico nods. She places Karolina's foot on the bed and grabs a towel from the bathroom. She wraps it around the ice so the cold won't burn Karolina's skin and places it over her ankle. She brings her ankle back onto her lap, lifting the ice every once in a while.

"Thanks for taking care of me."

"It's not a big deal. I really don't mind it."

"But still, thank you. You really didn't have to."

Nico shrugs, her eyes anywhere but meeting Karolina's, "I know you would've done the same for me. What are roommates for?"

"Roommates," Karolina responds under her breath.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom, be right back," Nico says.

Nico's phone vibrates on the bed while she's gone. Karolina isn't one to pry, but she catches a glimpse of her name. She doesn't click on the text or grab the phone she only reads: 'You're awake? You can't keep doing this thing with Kar, Nico!' Doing what thing with Kar? Karolina wonders before Nico is walking into the room again. Karolina feels anxious. Her thoughts taking over as they frequently did now. Had Nico texted Gert about her? What were they talking about? What was this thing Nico doing with Karolina?

"Kar? You look like you've seen a ghost. Everything okay?"

"What?" Karolina responds before processing what Nico has just said, "Oh, yeah. All good."

"Sure?"

"Yeah."

"Should we do the questions?"

Karolina shakes her head, "Everything's fine, really."

"Okay," Nico answers, still dubious.

"Wanna watch something else?" Karolina asks, quickly changing the subject.

Nico's quick to accept. She climbs into bed with Karolina again and doesn't hesitate to wrap herself around her. Karolina's surprised with how straightforward Nico was being. This didn't feel like it was what friends did.

"What do you wanna watch?" Nico asks.

"You pick, I picked last time."

Nico seems to ponder a bit before saying, "I know what won't let us fall asleep."

Nico picks out a horror movie and clicks play. The loud noises and jump scares aren't enough to get Karolina out of her head. All she can focus on is how every time something scary happens, Nico just holds on tighter to her. Is this what Gert meant? That they can't keep doing this friendship thing? This thing, whatever it is, definitely isn't a friendship, that's for sure.

But what does Karolina want if not a friendship? That's a simple enough question with a clear enough answer, she wants Nico. But in what way? She can't keep jerking her around, she realizes. She wants all of Nico, the whole deal, she decides. She wants to be able to kiss Nico and hold her hand, but she's still so scared of the implications of those desires.

She lightly runs her fingers over Nico's forearm, marveling at the goosebumps it creates. Is getting Nico back but asking her to keep this between them for now too much to ask? Just while she tries to better understand herself. She guesses she already has the no, they are already not together, so worst case scenario they just stay the same. It couldn't hurt to try, Karolina decides.

But not right now. Right now the moment is too perfect for her to ruin it. Right now she just wants to keep Nico this close and pretend like it doesn't mean anything besides comfort. Just two people who like each other reveling in their proximity. She absentmindedly strokes Nico's arm, and finally turns her attention to the screen and watches the movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo, she's being a little less useless, i guess? haha, hope you enjoyed this chapter <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally realizing her feelings, Karolina is determined to redefine her and Nico's relationship.

Time seems to weather on, and not much changes. Karolina and Nico still exist in a state of limbo where they go about their days, both drawn to each other, but neither doing anything about it. Karolina knows that she should probably be the one to do it, considering she was the one who said they should just be friends, but getting the courage to tell your friend that you want to be with her, isn't easy. Even if you have already kissed.

Karolina nervously shakes her leg on the bench. This is her first game back after being out for two weeks because of her ankle. Her head ended up being fine, but she had to be in a boot for a bit. She keeps rolling her ankle to verify that the pain is truly gone. Coach Diaz kept her on the bench for the first half to give Jamie, who was substituting for her, a chance to play. When the whistle signals half time, the team starts to huddle together, but Karolina makes an excuse and runs to the bathroom.

She runs the cold water tap, making sure it was cold enough to give her brain freeze. Why is she freaking out? She's done this several times, and they aren't even playing a hard school today. They are up by two goals for God's sake. She splashes the water on her face and tightens her ponytail, ready to run back to the field. She's stopped, however, when she leaves the bathroom and Nico is waiting there for her.

"What are you--" she starts to ask.

"I saw you run out and I came to see if you were okay."

"Oh, I'm okay."

Nico just patiently waits without saying a word.

"Fine," Karolina resigns, "I'm just a bit nervous."

Nico approaches her slowly, her face unreadable, "Don't be," she says softly, "You're the best player on the team by far, and your team is ahead by a lot, I think. I'm not really sure how soccer works? But anyway, you'd have to royally screw this up for you guys not to win."

"Gee, thanks," Karolina thanks her sarcastically, but, in all honesty, she is truly grateful. Nico knew how to be the exact right mix of caring and joking that made Karolina feel better.

"You should get back to the game," Nico says, closing the distance between them. She leans in and places a light kiss on Karolina's cheek, "Good luck."

Nico practically skips away from Karolina, which is something Karolina never thought she would see. She leaves her behind, dumbfounded. Her cheek burning where Nico's lips just were. Karolina's nervousness completely evaporates and is replaced by an empowered feeling coursing through her body. Nico really did know how to make her feel better. God, she's got to make a move on that girl sooner rather than later. Just not right now. Right now, she'll win the game, but right after that: she's a woman on a mission.

The game goes well enough. With her newfound sense of determination, Karolina and her team are able to keep the score in their favor. Karolina doesn't score a goal, but she assists with the pass for the goal that gives them a three goal lead. At the end of it, Karolina's confidence on the field is restored, and in turn it's also restored for her personal life. She's willing to take on anything the world throws at her, including finally asking out Nico after being such a dumbass, excuse the language, for so long.

She walks off the field, feeling like a Sandra Bullock titular character in a movie. She finds Nico, Molly, and Gert hanging out next to the bleachers, and speeds up her pace to reach them faster.

"Nice nails, Morticia," Gert points out Nico's uncharacteristically pink glittery nails.

"Thanks, Karolina did them."

"Oh, did she?" Gert asks suggestively.

"I think they're cute," Molly interjects.

Karolina is close enough to pipe up at this point, "Thanks, Molly. I worked really hard on them. Not that Gert would appreciate art."

"Hey, Sunshine," Gert says, "Congrats on the game."

"Yeah, Kar, you did great." Over the short time they had known each other, and the even shorter time that she had come to like Karolina, Molly had promptly adopted Nico's nickname for her.

"Thanks! Are you guys coming to the celebration at the shack tonight?" Karolina is pointedly looking at Nico.

"Gert and I are," Molly says, "Nico isn't."

"You're not?" Karolina asks, worried that her poorly constructed plan already had flaws in it. She's going to need a bit of alcohol to be honest with Nico.

"Wasn't planning on it," Nico shrugs, "Congrats, by the way."

Karolina completely glosses over the congratulations offered in favor of the other bit of information she obtained, "Why not?"

"I don't know. I never like these things anyway."

"Please come. You went that one time," Karolina pleads. She knows Nico knows she is referring to the time where they lost control.

"Yeah, but that time was different," Nico points out, her face suddenly flushed.

Before Karolina can continue to beg, the conversation is interrupted by Amy, "Hey, Nico!" she says before adding, "Friends of Nico," with a nod to each person in the circle. "Aren't you going to congratulate me on my victory?"

"Congrats!" Both Gert and Molly say animatedly.

Nico only responds with a quick, "Yeah, sure, whatever, congratulations," but a small smile on her face.

"Aw, you're too kind."

"I try."

"So, what were we talking about before I arrived?"

"Nico doesn't want to go to the celebration tonight," Karolina informs her, a hint of disappointment in her voice.

Karolina's not sure she's seeing things, but Amy seems to give her a look before badgering her sister, "You're going."

"What? No, I'm not."

"You are. Stop being boring. Karolina wants you there to help her celebrate her victory, and I'm sure Molly and Gert would appreciate the company. Plus, if you don't come and celebrate our victory, I'll punch you."

"You'll what?"

"You heard me."

"Amy, you're not going to--"

Amy punches Nico's upper arm.

"Um, ow?!"

"So, it's decided. You're going."

"That's not what I--"

"Cool, you're going," Amy is already backing away.

"Amy!" Nico calls after her.

"See you there!" She calls back already disappearing out of sight.

"So, I'll see you there?" Karolina asks, hopeful.

Nico groans, "Sure, why not?"

"Great," Karolina says, cheerily, "I'll see you guys then."

Karolina runs off to the locker rooms, concocting the entire plan of how tonight was going to work out for her in her head. She's sure about one thing: she'll have to grovel.

Later in their room, Karolina is sitting on her bed waiting for Nico, who's changing in the bathroom. They both got into the habit of changing in there, neither recognizing out loud the reason as to why they did it. She hears the bathroom door creek open, and Nico walk out. She's wearing a black jumpsuit that Karolina has to consciously stop herself from drooling over.

"Karolina?"

"Hm?"

"I asked if you were ready to go?"

"Oh! Yeah, yeah. Let's head out."

"Cool, I told Molly we'd meet them out on the field."

They find Molly and Gert waiting where they said they would be and walk together into the party. Karolina heads straight for the drinks table, the others following close behind. There wasn't any need for the flasks today since the other school did not stay to party with them. Karolina assumes that they probably weren't in a really festive mood after losing the game.

"Hey, Karolina," she hears one of her teammates call out, "Celebration shots!" They're all holding up small shot glasses and Amy is holding an extra one for her.

"I'll be right back," Karolina tells the them.

She joins up with her team and takes a shot. One shot turns into two, and two turns into three, and soon Karolina is being roped in to play beer pong at a table. She's found a way to get Jamie, who at this point can't handle her alcohol in true freshman fashion, to sub in for her. She has to keep in mind that she's a woman on a mission and she should be hanging out with Nico instead. Karolina is actively scanning the room, but when she locates her, she's not happy.

She doesn't know who it is, but there is some girl, some pretty girl blonde girl Karolina has never noticed before, flirting with Nico. The girl has her hand on Nico's arm, and they're both sitting on the couch. She leans in to say something in Nico's ear and Nico giggles. She is laughing! Someone, that wasn't Karolina, made Nico laugh and laugh that stupid giggle Nico does when she's flirting with Karolina. She's not having this right now.

Completely over the entire situation, Karolina stomps over and sits down next to Nico. Her arms are crossed protectively in front of herself, she wants to make the message that she's not pleased very clear. Nico doesn't even notice Karolina's presence until the girl looks at her inquisitively. Nico turns to see her.

"Karolina!"

At least she has the decency to look surprised, Karolina supposes.

"Hey," she says in a mood, nudging her head towards the other girl for Nico to introduce them.

"Oh, this is Julie."

"Nice to meet you," Julie says, extending her hand for Karolina to take. Karolina shakes it curtly.

"Where were you?" Nico asks.

"With the team, playing beer pong," her answers are leaving her mouth short and passive aggressive. Nico looks at her confused.

"Everything okay?"

"Fine, why?" she snaps.

Julie tries to salvage the awkwardness, "I was just telling Nico that you guys played really well today."

Karolina's confused, and it must show on her face, because the next thing the girl says is, "Oh, I played you today."

Realization dawns on Karolina. So that's why she didn't know her. She thought it was only them tonight. Some players might've still stopped by she guesses.

"Thanks, you too."

"Not even remotely true, but thanks," Julie jokes, and Nico giggles again. The giggle is like a screech in her ear. Karolina can tell that Nico probably drank a bit more since they separated.

She stands abruptly, "I'm gonna go," she says before grabbing her jacket and heading for the door.

Nico looks between her and Julie, and seems to decide to run after Karolina. She reaches her and lightly grabs her arm, "Why are you leaving so soon?"

At this point the alcohol is probably talking for her, "You clearly don't want me here, so, why would I stay?"

"What are you talking about? Why wouldn't I want you here? And why would that matter, Kar? This is your celebration party, stay."

"You seem to be doing enough celebrating for the both of us." Karolina knows she's probably making little sense right now and just being petty. She's just being passive aggressive for the sake of jealousy, but her inhibitions are down and she can't stop herself.

Nico just looks perplexed.

"Julie," Karolina explains, the jealousy evident in her tone. Nico's expression turns sour. She is far from confused like she was before, she's angry, and Karolina can tell she already fucked up before she even got a change to enact her plan.

"Follow me," Nico grits through her teeth.

That's the second time one of them has said that to the other at a party, but Karolina liked the context of the first time better. She practically drags Karolina out of the shack. Even though Karolina's scared of what might happen, she also can't help to be smug that she's leaving the party with Nico and Nico didn't even bother to say anything to Julie.

They walk across the field, and Nico takes her behind the little house where the locker room is situated. There lies a little hill covered in grass, which Nico is quick to take a seat on, dropping back in frustration. Karolina joins her.

"Karolina, what's going on?"

"I just-I didn't like that girl."

"Why? You don't know her. Hell, I barely know her."

"Because--" And Karolina had readied herself for this the whole day. Now, when she needs them most, the words die in her throat.

"Because, what?"

Karolina looks at Nico, her eyes wide, desperate for Nico to put two and two together. She can't form the words coherently, but she hopes Nico can see it in her eyes.

It doesn't seem to be enough for Nico, even if she does understand, however.

"Okay, Karolina, I'm going back."

Nico sits up and words still don't manifest themselves. She's becoming desperate and no voice leaves her mouth even though it's open. So, she does the next best thing she can think of.

She leans in and roughly kisses Nico, hoping that her emotions are conveyed in the kiss, but Nico doesn't kiss her back. She only pulls away, her face angrier than it was before.

"You don't get to do this!" Nico practically shouts, and Karolina wonders if anyone can hear them, before digesting Nico's words. A chill crawls up her spine, situating itself at the base of her neck.

"I'm going back," Nico informs her.

When she stands up, the meekest of words form themselves, "Don't go," she practically whispers.

"Why not?"

"Stay."

"Why are you doing this to me?" Nico's voice is almost hysterical, her eyes are filling with tears, "You told me you wanted to be my friend, Karolina, and I accepted that. Damn, you kissed me and I kissed you, and I thought we were going somewhere, but then you cut it off. You said you only wanted to be friends, so I become your damn friend, and you keep doing this to me!"

Karolina starts to feel her blood boiling, Nico was being unfair, "Do you really think that friends flirt like that? That friends can't change in front of the other, cuddle together, and kiss each other's cheeks for good luck? We were never friends. Don't be delusional, Nico."

"I'm going back to the party. It was rude to leave Julie without saying bye," Nico is turning back already, her face pale with shock.

"No, you don't get to do that."

"I get to do whatever I want with whoever I want. We're not together."

"You don't get to leave," Karolina feels every bit of their last two years apart resurfacing, "You don't get to leave me alone again, Nico!"

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't get to walk away without giving me an explanation again. You don't get to not care. You liked me, fine, but you just left me alone, my best friend, because you kept it to yourself and shut me out! You don't get to shut me out again!"

Nico's demeanor changes, her eyes are surprised and taken aback, "You left me, Kar, way before I left you. I liked you and I shut those feelings out, sure, but before any of that, all you could think about was Eiffel and your new friends. I wasn't good enough for you anymore."

Was that true? Karolina had to wonder. That's not what it felt like at the time. To her it felt like one minute they were fine and the next Nico wasn't talking to her. That her and Gert always had this secret language with each other. That they didn't want her there anymore.

"I cried for weeks because I felt you didn't like me anymore. That I didn't matter to my best friend. How can you say I didn't care?"

"I didn't know that. If you just talked to me I could've known that. But you never said anything. I never knew you cried. Or that you liked me. Or that you felt I didn't like you."

"You're right, I didn't, and I should have. But that's in the past. It was two years ago, and I'm sorry if you felt alone, but you weren't the only one. I went through my parents' divorce and my best friend wasn't there. Don't you think I felt alone then too?"

"You had Gert," Karolina says spitefully.

"It wasn't the same," Nico shakes her head repeatedly.

"Why?"

"Because she wasn't you. No one was ever you, Kar," she releases in a frustrated breath.

Karolina is speechless, which queues Nico to continue.

"When we kissed, I-I for the first time in a really long time didn't feel alone anymore. I had you back, and I had you back the way I always wanted to have you. But you didn't want that, and I understood. I understood because having you back in anyway is better than not having you at all. So, I'm sorry if I flirted with you when we were just friends, that was unfair, but I wasn't alone in doing it. But I can't be this thing for you, Kar. I've been it before, but I can't be it for you. I can't have you break my heart again. We're just friends. So, please," Nico begs, "let me go."

Nico's cheeks are stained from her running make-up. She's turned her back to Karolina, and has started to walk away. Karolina debates whether she should let her go like she asked, or run after her. She realizes she's let her go too many times before. That she always lets Nico walk away, but this time is different, she knows what she wants and she's not willing to compromise.

She runs up to Nico and wraps her arms around her middle, placing a small kiss to the side of her temple.

"Kar, please," Nico continues to beg.

"I'll let you go if you really want me to, but what if-what if this time was different?"

Nico doesn't stay anything, just remains frozen in her arms.

"What if this time I gave you all of it? I gave you me and my heart, for you to be willing to do whatever you want with it?"

Nico's still not speaking, but Karolina can feel her shaking in her arms.

"I'm willing to give you everything you want, Nico, if you'll just give me a chance. I know I screwed up, and that I pushed you away countless times, but I'm not doing it anymore. I physically can't. I keep getting drawn back to you whether I like it or not. I have been drawn back to you ever since I can first remember knowing you. Ever since I first walked up to you in class."

Karolina can feel Nico's legs trembling against her. She keeps herself steady like the anchor holding them together.

"I was always surrounded by people and I never understood why I still felt so alone, but now I know. I know it's because none of those people were ever you. So, I'm willing to give you every bit of me to do as you please with it. It's yours, if you'll just have me."

She feels Nico slowly turn around in her arms, and she tries not to be too hopeful.

"There's no going back, Kar," Nico explains, her face serious, "If you want this, it has to be all of it, I can't have half of you."

Karolina hesitates, because she has one more thing she has to ask her, "I'm all yours, but I'm not ready to belong to the rest of the world yet. I want to give you all of me if you'll have it, but I'm not ready for people to know that yet."

Nico seems to ponder her request, doubt flowing through her eyes, and Karolina can see it there and all she wants is to tell Nico they can love each other openly, but she can't, she can't. She's not ready, and if Nico doesn't want that she can understand.

"Do I get all of you?" Nico asks.

Karolina nods softly. Their eyes never separating from each other.

"There's no going back, Kar. If we do this, we do this."

"I want to do this."

"Okay, then we do this," Nico finally agrees. Karolina's heart feels like it's about to burst. She can't be fully sure that it hasn't tripled in size. She feels the tears streaming down her cheeks.

"So, where do we go from here?" Karolina asks, not sure given she's never done this before. She lets Nico take the lead.

"Now, Karolina Dean, you kiss me."

Karolina is more than happy to oblige. She cups Nico's cheeks as the shorter girl's go around her hips. Their lips meet in the middle in a soft kiss. A tender kiss that implies the simplicity of the feelings they have for each other and the relief of finally being able to express them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a big chapter, let the secret dating commence, my dudes. Thank you for reading and hope you enjoyed <3
> 
> twitter: downtothewire2, tumblr: downtothe-wire


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally together, Karolina tries to navigate what it means to be in a relationship in secret.

The first thing Karolina smells in the morning is lavender. Before she opens her eyes, and she's still in complete darkness, the smell of lavender wafts through the room. Karolina inhales deeply, the smell calming.

Her eyes open and focus. She sees the white ceiling with its paint slightly chipped. She moves her chin down to watch her chest moving up and down rhythmically, a head of black hair lying atop it.

She runs her fingers through it. She revels in how soft the hairs feel touching her fingertips. Her other arm is firmly wrapped around a waist.

She hears the sounds of soft breathing and birds outside chirping. She might have her quarrels with the school, but the lack of noise pollution will always be one of her favorite things.

"Nico," she whispers quietly as the girl laying on her slowly awakens. Nico stretches to place a kiss on Karolina's lips, and the first thing Karolina tastes in the morning is Nico's tongue against her own.

They kiss lazily as light streams into the room. When they pull away, breathless, Karolina sighs happily, "I can't believe I was that dumb."

"Hm?" Nico questions, her tone still sleepy, their lips almost touching.

"I could've had this a month ago and I was so stupid."

"All of it is in the past, don't overthink it," Nico places a chaste kiss on her lips before crawling back down her body and falling back asleep on her chest.

Karolina soon falls back into a shallow sleep, and they spend the day that way, drifting in and out of sleep - comfortable, warm, and at peace.

When the weekend ends and Monday rolls around, reality sets itself back in. Without any classes together, they only get to see each other at meal times before the end of the school day. They're sitting at lunch with Molly and Gert, and all Karolina wants to do is reach out and touch Nico, but she can't.

She's too aware of Nico's presence next to her, which basically renders her useless to focus on anything else. Karolina wishes they were somewhere private so she could touch Nico and tell her how pretty she looks when she has her hair up in a bun like she does today.

Nico is laughing at something Gert said, and Karolina admires the way her smile beams, she looks completely unbothered by the world. Ever since Karolina let herself feel whatever she wants for the girl, she seems more enamored each and every day. A part of her is scared she's a bit obsessed. Nico turns to her, a playful question in her eyes, and Karolina notices she hasn't listened to a single word said.

"What?"

"I was making fun of you for the whole Eleanor and Tahani debacle, but it's no fun if you're not paying attention," Nico pouts.

"Sorry, I'll pay more attention." Karolina wills herself not to be too distracted by how cute Nico looks right now.

"You okay?" Molly asks.

"Yeah, I'm really great, why?" She has a smile so wide plastered across her face that no one could really doubt that she actually is pretty great.

"Nothing, you just seem weird, like you're in another world."

Karolina just shrugs, and concentrates on her food. They are sitting at the very back of the cafeteria. Karolina and Nico against a wall, no one behind them. Gert and Molly's bodies block them from anyone's view. She assumes that if she were to touch Nico right now, no one would even be able to tell. So, she takes the opportunity to do what she's been dying to do the entire day.

She places her hand on Nico's thigh and gives it a small squeeze as the girl pays attention to something Gert says. Nico straightens her back and gasps quietly. Gert and Molly watch her with wondering eyes, as Nico's cheeks flush bright red. She adjusts herself and relaxes into Karolina's touch.

"Everything okay?" Gert asks this time.

"Everything's fine," Nico dismisses.

"Something is up with you two today," Molly adds.

"Nothing is up with us!" Karolina bites back defensively, further proving Molly's point that something was indeed up. She tightens her grip on Nico's thigh, almost sticking her short nails into Nico's skin. Nico winces and runs her thumb over Karolina's grip so she'll loosen up.

Nico gives her a comforting smile.

"Oh my God, you two are--" Molly starts to scream.

Gert snaps her hand over Molly's mouth, and she gives her a chastising look. Karolina's nails are digging into Nico's skin now as the panic sets in. She knows she's probably hurting her, but her hands can't relax. She feels her body run cold at Molly's outburst. How is she this bad at keeping this a secret? It hasn't even been a full day, and they are already obvious enough that Molly clearly knows. And apparently Gert knows too? Did Nico say anything?

Gert releases her sister with a chastising look.

"Sorry," she murmurs.

She screws her eyes shut, scared of what may come next. Nico keeps smoothing over Karolina's hand in an attempt to get her to relax. She hears Molly and Gert talking, but her ears are ringing and she can't make out what they're saying.

Behind all the noise, she can hear Nico's voice breakthrough, "It's okay." Then Karolina's surroundings start to come back to her. First she's able to taste the copper in her mouth. Then she's able to smell the stale spaghetti and meatballs being served in the cafeteria today. Her ears start working next and she realizes Gert and Molly aren't talking about her at all, they're talking about Gert's boyfriend - something about him visiting. She feels Nico's calming touch on her hand, and relaxes.

She opens her eyes and everything is normal, except that Nico is smiling softly at her and Karolina has her hand on her thigh and that's not usually normal, but she doesn't mind the change.

They all resume their conversation. She continues running her fingers lightly drawing heart along Nico's thighs, loosening her grip. The blush on Nico's cheeks present for the rest of the meal.

Nico pulls her aside in the hallway after they finish, "You okay?"

Karolina nods, "I'm okay."

"Sure?"

"Yes, just a bit nervous. You make me nervous."

Nico's expression grows smug and Karolina gets the urge to kiss it off her face and announce to the world they're together before purposefully repressing it.

"Now, if you're going to want to keep up this secret thing, Kar, you're gonna need to not grope my thigh underneath tables."

"Yeah, um, sorry."

"Oh, I don't mind," Nico says, "That's the whole problem, really. I can't not react if you have your hands on me."

Then, Nico winks at her. Nico literally winks at Karolina, and she loses all sense of time and space. She always thought that when that happened in movies it was cringey, but when Nico did it, something inside her stirred.

"I have to get to class, but we'll talk tonight, okay?"

Karolina has no idea what she just said, but she agrees, and walks to her next class thinking solely of Nico and the fact that she can't not react if Karolina has her hands on her. The phrase repeats itself in her mind like a mantra, her new mantra, after she got rid of her old ridiculous one.

When the day is over, Karolina rushes to her room, only to find it empty. She waits for Nico at the edge of her bed like an eager puppy dog, and when the girl finally walks through the door, Karolina leaps from bed and draws her into her arms. She rests her chin on top of Nico's head.

"This is humiliating," Nico mumbles.

Karolina pulls away, "What do you mean?"

"You resting your chin on my head. We get it, Karolina, I'm short."

"I like your height."

"You don't have to say stuff like that, I'm already going out with you."

"No, no, I mean it. Makes it hard for me to kiss you at times, but you're, like, fun-sized."

Nico takes offense to that description, "Maybe you're just freakishly tall."

Karolina laughs, "Maybe. Now enough talking," she finishes, and finally does the one thing she's been thinking about the whole day and kisses her.

Later at night, when they're both lying down on her bed, the lights turned off, Karolina whispers, "Nico?"

"Hm?" she replies, sleepily.

"Are you sure you're okay with this? With all of this?" Karolina hopes Nico understands what she's referring to.

"Babe, I've told you as long as I get to be with you, I really don't care."

Karolina's insecurities are quick to be pacified by Nico's words. Her calling her 'babe' is just the added bonus that fills her with fondness for the girl in her arms. She couldn't believe she got to hold her. She runs her fingers through her hair making Nico sigh contently.

"I like that."

"What?" Nico asks.

"Babe."

"Mmm, good," Nico says and Karolina can tell she is smiling, "Now go to sleep, babe." She emphasizes the last word, making Karolina swoon.

The next morning, Karolina is up early and rapping frantically at Gert and Molly's door. A sleepy Gert finally opens the door, the lights in the room still off.

"What do you want?" Gert asks, angrily.

"I need your help."

Gert sighs, "You're lucky Molly is in the library or she would pound you for knocking this early. What do you want?"

"Can I come in?"

Gert steps aside to allow her to step in. Karolina sits at the desk she assumes is Gert's because of the picture of some chestnut haired boy on it. She swivels around on her chair, nervously trying to find her words.

"What's up, Kar?"

Karolina takes a deep breath, summoning every last bit of courage. She mumbles it out so quickly, Gert can't understand her.

"I said, I wanna take Nico out on a date," she enunciates.

Gert's eyes widen, "You wanna, what?!"

The panic settles into Karolina's bones. She feels the fear creep through her system at Gert's shocked reaction.

"You're dating?"

The question throws Karolina off, "You didn't know?"

Gert shakes her head. After lunch, Karolina was sure that Nico had said something. Gert just seemed to stop Molly at the exact right moment. Why would she have done that if she didn't know?

"Nico didn't tell you?"

"No. Well, I walked in on that whole thing," she explains, pausing briefly, "but then Nico didn't say anything and she asked me to drop it, so, I just assumed it was a one time thing… you know?"

Nico didn't tell her, and Karolina should've known that of course Nico wouldn't tell anyone if she asked her not to. She berates herself for ever suspecting otherwise.

And then Karolina realizes that she came out to someone for the first time. She is almost disappointed at the lack of spectacle. She built up so much expectation in her head about how this would happen, and how the world would hate her for it, that she doesn't understand why Gert doesn't care more. But besides her confusion, Karolina feels relieved. She told someone and nothing exploded because she did. The heavens didn't come crashing down, and she wasn't being drowned in guilt. Everything was the same. It gets Karolina thinking that maybe she could do this.

"Oh, okay. So, yeah, it wasn't a one time thing--"

"Congrats!"

"And I wanna take her on a date."

"Okay. What do you wanna do? Movies? Dinner? Why do you need my help?" Gert asks, now the one perplexed.

"No one can know," Karolina admits, and all the guilt that wasn't there before surges up, especially at the way Gert's eyebrows knit together.

"Kar--" she starts, her tone strict.

"Please," Karolina begs, trying to convey her desperation, "I really like her, Gert, and I need your help."

Gert softens at Karolina's confession, "Does she know that?"

"Know what?"

"That you like her."

Karolina is shocked at herself when catches herself thinking it over. Has she told Nico about her true feelings? She wasn't sure. She should have, if she hasn't.

Gert spares her the headache of pondering about this any further, "Do something that shows her how much you like her, Kar. She'll appreciate that more than anything else. Let her know how you feel," And though Gert's words are kind, Karolina can't help but hear the warning behind them. Gert's watching her, and she's letting Karolina know that she expects her to be kind to Nico.

"Okay, yeah. That's good. I wanna do that. Can you help me come up with a plan?"

"Sure."

The plan was set in motion. Karolina ran around trying to get everything to prep for three days straight. It was hard keeping it from Nico considering they lived in the same room. She hid everything at the bottom of her trunk under an inconspicuous blanket. Nico was starting to get curious and Karolina could tell by how she looked at her with her eyebrows quirked at times.

Nico almost caught her once walking in while Karolina was still taking stuff out of her backpack and putting it into her trunk. She quickly stuck it inside her backpack and zipped it up, holding onto it for dear life. Nico asked her about it, but Karolina just dodged the questions, settling for non committal answers.

When Nico slipped into the bathroom, Karolina ran to haphazardly throw everything into the trunk and locking it before Nico could walk out. She ran back to bed and scrolled through her phone like nothing happened before Nico could walk out.

The day's here, however. After days of meticulous planning, the day's finally here and Karolina is cold sweat levels of nervous. She was jittery the whole day and she knows people around her are noticing as she's lost counts of how many times she's been asked if she's okay.

But the time is finally here, and Karolina sits anxiously on the floor in the middle of their room waiting for Nico to arrive.

The door creaks, and Karolina sees dark boots peeking in. Her heart pounds in her chest. When Nico fully steps in and looks around her eyes sparkle, her chin drops. Karolina is sitting on a picnic blanket in the middle of their room - food and champagne spread around the blanket.

"Hi," Karolina greets timidly.

"H-hi," Nico stumbles on her words, "What's going on here?"

Karolina smiles widely at her, "You like it?"

"Of course! But, Kar, you didn't have to."

"I wanted to."

Nico drops her backpack on the floor, not bothering to put it away. She walks over to Karolina and throws herself at her. Karolina falls back as Nico repeatedly kisses her.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why'd you do this?"

Gert's voice runs through her mind, and Karolina averts her eyes, "I wanted to show you that I like you," she mumbles.

"You do?"

Karolina looks back into her eyes, "A lot."

Nico leans in to kiss her again. Karolina feels relief flow through her veins.

"Let's eat?"

"Mhm."

Nico climbs off her, and Karolina is able to sit up. Before they can keep apart for too long, Nico leans her head on Karolina's shoulder.

"So, what we got?"

Karolina pulls out several snacks from a wicker basket atop the blanket. She finally pulls out a container filled with strawberries lastly.

"Are you serious?" Nico asks, but her face betrays her amusement.

Karolina pops open the container and picks a strawberry before bringing it close to Nico's mouth.

"Do you really want me to do this?" Nico mumbles against the strawberry.

Karolina just looks at her expectantly, a small smile on her face. Nico sighs and bites through the fruit, blushing nonetheless.

"Was that so hard?"

"It was torture," Nico sighs dramatically making Karolina chuckle lightly.

"Come on, this food isn't going to eat itself."

They enjoy the rest of the meal talking and poking light fun at each other, specially when Karolina tries to open the champagne confidently and it ends up spilling all over the blanket. She mourns the loss of half the bottle after all the trouble she went through to get it. She had to pay a lot of people for that bottle to make it back into their room.

Noticing her distress as the drink overflows, Nico runs quickly to the bathroom to grab towels to fix the mess. She soaks up the alcohol in them then places them in the bathroom sink.

"Hey, it's okay," she says, sympathetically, placing a gentle hand on Karolina's shoulder.

"I just wanted it to be perfect," Karolina sighs, her head hanging low.

"It was. No one's ever done something this great for me before."

"You're just saying that," Karolina mutters, part of her can admit to herself she's fishing for compliments and Nico's approval.

Nico doesn't seem to mind, "I'm not. This was perfect, babe," Karolina still feels a rush when she hears the word, she wonders if it'll ever go away, "Even if it was terribly cheesy."

Karolina peers at Nico through her eyelashes, "Admit it. You like cheesy."

"I like cheesy when you're cheesy."

Nico guides her chin closer so their lips can meet. They kiss slowly, savoring the taste of champagne and chocolate lingering on both their tongues.

"You make me really nervous," Nico whispers against her lips. Karolina gives her a small crooked smile against hers.

"You make me nervous too."

"And for the record, I didn't say it before, but I like you a lot too."

"I thought so," Karolina concludes before leaning back down.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karolina and Nico get closer. They also suck at keeping their relationship secret.

"Do you ever think about how our lives would be different if Eiffel never got expelled?" Karolina asks, running her fingers through Nico's hair. A habit she couldn't and didn't want to shake.

Nico turns her head to lay her chin against her chest, she looks displeased, but quickly masks it, "Why are you thinking about this now?"

"I was just thinking that if she never got expelled, we would've never been roommates, then we would've never been friends, and then we would've never kissed, and we would've never dated."

"I don't like that hypothetical..." Nico trails off, "Why did your thought start with Eiffel though?"

Karolina searches for the right answer. Why was Nico so fixated on that point? She muses for a bit more, Nico's eyebrow raising higher with each second that passes.

And then she figures it out.

"Are you jealous?" she asks, innocently.

Nico lifts her body away from Karolina's in a flash, "Me? Jealous? Don't flatter yourself, Karolina."

Karolina chuckles to herself. Nico grows angrier at her laughing and shuts her face off completely. She's climbing off the bed when Karolina wraps an arm around her waist and pulls her back in.

"Oh, come on! I was joking."

"Let me go," Nico huffs as she struggles in her arms. Karolina can't help but find the grumpy goth struggling in her arms hilarious. She frees her arms and lets her loose, but Nico doesn't move away.

"Not funny," she murmurs.

"A little bit funny?" Karolina cheeks. Nico is about to move away, but Karolina wraps her arms around her waist again, "Okay, okay. Not funny." Nico relaxes in her arms.

"If you were though, that would be okay. I was jealous of you when I saw you with that girl."

"Julie?"

Karolina purposefully shivers behind her jokingly. Nico giggles. She rolls Nico on top of her as she goes back to her previous position of snuggling her chest. Karolina moves her hair away from her eyes and behind her ear. She places a small kiss to Nico's forehead.

"You're cute when you're jealous."

"Yeah? Well, you're not," Nico bites back, despite the smirk on her face.

"I will admit that wasn't my finest hour," Karolina concedes. Nico's eyes challenge her to continue, "Fine, it was bad, but it ended with you being my girlfriend, didn't it?"

As the word slips out, Karolina's voice falters. Dimmer and dimmer it becomes with the last two words.

"I-- We haven't-- You don't--" Karolina tries to start a sentence several ways, but none of them seem to be coming out just right.

"It did," is all Nico supplies as confirmation as she leans up to kiss her.

Nico is her girlfriend. She, Karolina Dean, has a girlfriend, and that girlfriend is Nico Minoru. It seems too real yet too foreign to be true, but right now she doesn't care. She throws caution to the wind and happily kisses her girlfriend unabashedly. 

This is everything Karolina could've dreamed of and more. As Nico lays on top of her, hair mussed and shirt off, Karolina wonders if this is what being in love is. Karolina then reaches for her bra, ready to move things further, but Nico is quick to pull away as she's done several times over the month they've been dating.

She pulls away and takes a minute to catch her breath. She flips her hair back, "I think we should go to sleep."

"Oh," Karolina says, disappointed, hoping Nico will catch her tone, "Okay, whatever you want."

Nico grabs her shirt at the edge of the bed and goes into the bathroom to change, a habit she still hadn't given up on even though they had been living for two months together and dating for one. Karolina even changed in front of Nico to make a point, but Nico just averted her eyes respectfully when she did.

Karolina's getting frustrated with the whole situation, but has to respect the clear boundaries that Nico is putting up as she did hers, so, she doesn't say anything.

As Nico comes out of with Karolina already changed, she just lets the girl crawl back into bed and cuddles her into her arms. Any problem immediately forgotten as Karolina's eyes feel heavy as she gives into the warmth.

It's game time again and they're playing last year's winners. Karolina knows this is the toughest game of the season, so, she's been sneaking in all of the training hours she can. Coach Diaz even caught her a couple of times at night practicing her accuracy, and kicked her out for being on the field past curfew.

All of her training doesn't even seem to pay off, because the clock strikes ninety minutes, and their team is down by two goals. Karolina pants on the field, resting her hands on her knees in exhaustion, staring up at the scoreboard. She can't believe it, they really lost. They were on a perfect winning streak, and now they aren't.

The team hears an encouraging speech from their coach that isn't met with much enthusiasm, and they split, each going to sulk in their own way.

Karolina sees Nico walking towards her at a distance, but she can't deal with anyone right now. She feels a small spark of guilt before running towards the locker rooms pretending she didn't see her.

She takes extra long in the shower as she does when she needs to think. Something about it helps her clear her head. After she steps out, she realizes that everyone is gone. There is only one forgotten towel and herself. She dresses herself slowly, not in a rush to return to real life.

She had the opportunity to even out the score when it was only a single goal difference at the forty seven minute mark, but she missed. Could they have won if she hadn't? She shakes her head choosing not to deal in what ifs, knowing that even if it could have changed the game, there is nothing she can do about it now.

She steps outside, hoping to take the long walk around the field back to her dorm room, but Nico is sitting outside waiting for her. She fills with dread as she guesses she'll have to face reality a little sooner than she expected.

She meets Nico's eyes with a small smile, but the girl beams back at her, and Karolina feels her guilt intensify. She walks over and Nico reaches out for her. Karolina catches on and intertwines their fingers.

"Come with me," is all Nico supplies.

She drags Karolina behind the locker room, and through the small forest that lays there - the trees offering them the privacy they need.

They find a clearing on the ground, and Nico takes a seat, dragging Karolina to the ground with her. She doesn't say anything. She just sits there rubbing small circles on the back of her hand. Karolina is thankful she's not taking pity on her, not saying that she'll get them next time. She knows that Nico knows it's not about the next time, it's about this time, and she just needs comfort right now.

"I'm scared," Karolina finally speaks after a long while. She's now laying on Nico chest as Nico soothes her back, looking up at the sky through the trees.

"Of what?" Nico asks.

"Of not getting my scholarship, of not going to college like I want to, but mostly of having to go back to my parents."

"Ahh, Leslie Dean and Frank Dean," Nico's disdain can be heard on her tone, "Are they still raging bitches?"

"Nico!"

"Sorry, I know they're your parents, but come on! I'm not saying they're the only bitches, my parents are bitches too!"

Karolina laughs lightly at Nico's banter.

"I guess they are then."

Nico's teasing tone shifts, "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"I know, but still."

"Thanks."

Her shy smile meets Nico’s, and then Karolina is done talking. She reaches up to place a tender kiss on Nico's lips. The leaves underneath them crunching as she shifts to reach her better. The noise in itself so distracting they don’t hear footsteps growing closer.

"I fucking knew it!" They hear being yelled.

Karolina breaks the kiss quickly to turn and see Amy standing over the both of them, a raised hockey stick in one hand, and the towel she previously thought was forgotten in another.

They really need to get better at this whole secret thing, but it's hard when everyone was always in your business as they are at this school.

"What did you fucking know?" Nico responds.

"I fucking knew the two of you were hooking up."

"We're not hooking up, Karolina's my girlfriend!"

And Karolina, who's been quiet throughout this entire interaction between the two sisters, blushes harder than she's ever blushed in her life. She's Nico's girlfriend, she remembers fondly.

"And you didn't tell me?"

"It just happened, and I was going to if you weren't so nosy and had to find out for yourself!" She turns to Karolina, “I’d ask you first,” she speaks in a softer tone that lets Karolina know she’s telling the truth.

"I wouldn't have to be nosy if you just told me what went on in your life!"

“Why do you care so much about what goes on in my life?”

Karolina interrupts before the fights turns into something bigger.

"What are you doing here?"

Amy shifts her attention towards her - her eyebrows so high, they reach her hairline. She grips the hockey stick tighter looking embarrassed.

"I heard a noise, and I thought it was a racoon. So, I brought this," she gestures to the stick, "But imagine my surprise when instead I find my baby sister making out with her roomma-- sorry, girlfriend."

Karolina blushes again. She hopes she never grows used to hearing that.

“Fine you found out what was causing the noise, can you leave us alone?”

“Sure,” Amy is quick to agree. 

She starts to retreat, when Karolina stops her, “Amy, wait!”

She turns back around waiting for Karolina to say something. Karolina’s plea gives away her nerves, “Please don’t tell anyone.”

Amy seems displeased at Karolina’s request. She turns to her sister, searching for some wordless queue, and Karolina’s heart sinks in her chest. The guilt bubbles back to the surface. Amy must not get the confirmation she was looking for because she looks back at Karolina her previously shining with mischief eyes now filled with obvious distrust. She nods slightly at her before actually leaving, whacking at random leaves or rocks along the way with the hockey stick.

Karolina tries to read Nico’s expression, and she sees a glimpse of sadness before Nico pushes it down, her expression masked. 

“Are you okay?” Karolina asks, needing to understand what her previous look held.

Nico doesn’t answer her, she only leans in and starts to aggressively kiss Karolina. Karolina’s mind fogs over as it does every time Nico kisses her this desperately. They should talk, Karolina realizes, but maybe later. Nico rolls her over until she’s straddling her hips as her hands roam freely along Karolina’s body. Karolina disconnects their lips so she can journey towards the base of Nico’s throat, and when she nips at her pulse point, Nico gasps and pulls away.

She presses Karolina down and away from her with two hands firmly placed firmly on her shoulders, “Sorry, I got carried away.” Nico says and dismounts from her. She starts to sheepishly collect their belongings that lay around them.

“You don’t have to be sorry for getting carried away with me.”

Nico stops what she was doing to stare at her, utterly confused, like Karolina just said the most absurd thing in the world.

“But I thought you said—“

“Really, Nico.”

“You weren’t ready,” they speak over each other.

“I also said I didn’t like you like that but I really really do.”

"I don't want to force you into anything. We can take this as slow as you want to."

"You could never."

"But--"

Karolina is growing frustrated with the conversation, and the amount of tension that has been building up in her system in the past couple of weeks. She pinches her forehead, and sighs dramatically out loud, making Nico stop her protest midway.

"If I tell you I'm ready, then I'm ready," she snaps.

"Okay," Nico concedes, throwing her hands up in defeat, "You're ready."

Karolina then practically attacks Nico. She tackles her back and starts to kiss her with every inch of passion she has built up trying to leave her breathless. It seems to work as when they finally part Nico breathily whispers her name, "Karolina..." And Karolina leaning back in, when she's stopped by Nico holding back her shoulder again.

"What?" Karolina whines, "I told you I was ready."

Then Karolina pouts, and Nico laughs at her.

"What's so funny?" she says, not understanding.

"Nothing, Kar, just how about our first time isn't in the middle of the woods when we have a bedroom that's ours?"

Karolina could see her point. Instead of answering Nico, she quickly pecks her lips before standing up and all but dragging Nico to their room.

While they giggle on their way over, Karolina's hands still rest in Nico's, they get a couple of looks from bystanders, but Karolina can't be bothered to care right now. She's moving faster than she ever has before. She practically throws Nico into their room when they arrive. She can't believe she's this lucky.

And when they wake up the next morning, light filtering in and the soft breeze of an open window drifting in quietly, Karolina finds herself calmer than she has ever been before. She chooses to let Nico sleep in as she cards her fingers through her hair staring down in awe. Karolina can’t believe she gets to hold her. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if the world knew that Nico was hers. Everyone has been pretty accepting so far, and her parents, well, she could deal with them later.

Nico’s slowly wakes up and asks her in a rough sleep-addled voice, “why are you awake, pretty?”

“Can’t sleep.”

Nico stretches a bit before crawling up the bed to join Karolina. She places a hand underneath her head and props it up to meet Karolina’s blue eyes. Karolina finds so much tenderness present in her dark brown ones.

“Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“You,” Karolina provides, and Nico’s cheeks tint slightly.

“Tell me what I did to be worthy of such an honor as being the subject of Karolina Dean's thoughts,” Nico flirts.

“You know what you did,” Karolina tells her suggestively indicating their current undressed state.

Nico throws her head back and laughs freely and Karolina wishes that sound would never end. She wishes that they could be stuck in this moment, always this happy.

“You make me so happy, Nico.”

The lovesick smile stretches across Nico’s entire face, and Karolina mirrors it, unable not to.

“You make me so happy, Kar, and I want you to know that no matter what the world thinks, we’re not wrong in feeling this way,” that quick sadness from before comes and goes from Nico’s expression once more.

“I know that,” Karolina supplies, something quieter akin to shame now lurking in her tone, “I just need a little more time.”

“I’ll give you all the time in the world. There’s no rush. I’m yours.”

“You are?”

“Contrary to popular belief I don’t just fall into bed with just anyone,” Nico jokes.

It’s Karolina’s turn to laugh, but she’s done now, done talking that is. She scoots closer to Nico, and whispers huskily against her mouth, “Hm, I would’ve thought with those skills you would’ve had years of practice,” making Nico shiver.

“Nope,” Nico replies, popping the p, “Just naturally gifted.”

“Aren’t I lucky?” She ends the conversation with a searing kiss to Nico’s lips, ready for round two. Nico turns to straddle the girl, their naked limbs intertwined, and at that very moment she believes her words. She really is very fucking lucky.

The weeks roll by smoothly. Karolina spends her days itching to reach out for Nico but constantly reminding herself that they are in public. In the late afternoons after the real world stops, they just fall into each other’s arms. They transform their room into their own personal hideaway. The place that kept all their secrets for them, almost a third wheel to their relationship. Words of adoration and love are whispered in the darkness of night. Their bodies keep each other warm in the growing freezing weather outside.

Sometimes Karolina feels that quiet sadness in Nico’s expression, and Karolina asks her if she’s okay, but Nico only shakes her head every time, distracting her from her inquiry one way or another.

“You’re so gorgeous,” she confesses to her every night.

“You’re so beautiful,” Nico admires back.

And as time marches on, soon the next game of the season arrives. After their last defeat, Karolina is more ready than ever to prove herself. She stretches on the sidelines, when her phone vibrates.

‘Meet me’ the text reads, and she already knows where to go.

She jogs quickly to the hidden spot behind the locker rooms, and Nico’s already waiting for her.

Nico approaches her as she comes closer, her hands weave around Karolina’s hips as she stands on her tip toes to place a kiss against her lips.

“Score a goal for me?”

Karolina nods, and Nico leans in for a second quick kiss.

“For good luck,” she explains.

“Thanks,” Karolina says with a smile, “There’s no way I’m losing now.”

And there really wasn’t. Karolina’s team wins easily with a two goal difference, and she even scores. When she does, she looks up at the bleachers to Nico’s now usual spot - third row on the left. She winks at her letting her know that the goal was indeed for her before getting her head back in the game. She’s in a state of complete bliss.

She leaves the game drenched, high from adrenaline, and all she wants to do is see Nico and drag her back to their room.

She runs up to her as she’s chatting with Molly and Gert, who at this point are both very aware of their relationship status. Molly also had a very unfortunate run-in with them in their room when they were dressed less than appropriately. She wraps her arms around Nico’s waist and bends down to place a quick kiss to her cheek. A gesture that could give them away, but Karolina has been less and less bothered to care. She unwraps Nico from her hug, and they exchange greetings.

They’re in the of a conversation when Karolina hears a familiar voice that sends a chill down her spine, “Glad to see you made new friends after I left, Karolina.” Nico doesn’t even try to mask her disdain as Karolina spins to see Eiffel standing behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo, angst not over i guess? lajfjsl anyway, hope you enjoy
> 
> twitter: downtothewire2, tumblr: downtothe-wire


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eiffel comes to visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not saying anything else, because it might spoil something?

Karolina turns to see the last person she expected, Eiffel. She has her trademark smirk plastered on her face, smug and confident as usual, something few people saw behind.

"Shocked to see me?" she asks, and Karolina realizes that she is. She unfreezes, and leans in to hug the other girl.

"A bit. What are you doing here?" she responds, as she pulls away.

"I'm here to support my school's team."

Karolina tries to understand what she means, "But--"

"Don't break your brain trying to figure it out, Lina," she calls her as she did when they were still roommates. Karolina cringes, because she always hated the nickname, "I'm supporting a different team now, the one you just destroyed."

"Oh," Karolina answers before Nico clears her throat behind her, shaking her out of her fog. She is quick to try and rectify the situation, "You remember Nico."

"I guess," Eiffel answers and quickly acknowledges the girl, before turning back to Karolina, "You're going to the victory party tonight, right?"

"I think so."

"No thinking!" Eiffel exclaims making Karolina flinch at the change in energy, "What the fuck am I supposed to do there if you're not there? You are the one person at this school that is worthy of me."

Karolina is surprised by the statement, she didn't know Eiffel cared. Their relationship had mostly been Eiffel talking about people she was hooking up with and Karolina listening - living vicariously through her in one way or another. Karolina was the girl that walked behind her, and she was now walking beside her new friends for so long, she has a hard time believing that this is true.

"Oh, okay. I guess I'll go then," Karolina replies.

"Good, I'll see you then!" Eiffel tells her with a wink before running off to a group of girls that look almost identical to her from the opposing school, completely ignoring Nico.

Karolina watches her leave until her eyes shift back to Nico when she speaks, her tone cold, "You could've asked me if I wanted to go before accepting."

Karolina's forehead creases as she tries to figure out why Nico sounds annoyed, "You don't wanna go?"

"It's not that, but maybe I was planning something special for us tonight to celebrate your victory, and you didn't even ask."

"I-I didn't know you were planning anything. I'm sorry."

"I wasn't."

"Then why are we having this conversation?" Karolina asks with no malice, but growing increasingly confused by Nico's hostility.

"Because you didn't think about me before saying yes, you only thought about Eiffel," and at the mention of Eiffel's name said with such disdain, Karolina remembers a past night. She remembers Nico's previous reaction to the girl and it clicks into place.

"Let's talk about this in our room?"

"I don't want to."

"Please?"

Nico finally concedes to her plea and follows Karolina to their room, standing further apart than she has from her in months. Karolina can feel every cold inch between them. Once they're safely inside, she closes the door behind them.

"Nico, you don't have anything to be jealous about. I like _you_ ," and right after she says it she knows it was the wrong thing to say as Nico's eyebrows shoot up into her hairline and her eyes become distant.

"I'm not jealous, Karolina, you can do whatever you want." She only calls her her full name when she's pissed off, but what was she angry about then?

"If you're not jealous, then what are you mad at me for?" Karolina asks, becoming increasingly exasperated.

"You didn't even defend me when she said I guess!"

"That's Eiffel, you can't take everything she says seriously. Well, really, you can't take anything she says seriously."

"I know that, it's not that! It's just--"

"What is it then?"

"I-I just," Nico starts off, her tone angry, and then she just deflates, startling Karolina who thought she would put up more of a fight. Nico sits on her bed, looking at her swinging feet that don't quite reach the floor.

"You can tell me," Karolina walks over, grabbing her face between her hands. She has to curve her entire body, which she doesn't mind, as she leans in to place a quick reassuring kiss on Nico's lips.

"It's just that I only get you at night, Kar."

"What do you mean?"

"Like during the day I can't touch you, I have to constantly stop myself from staring at you so I don't give us away, but at night…"

And Karolina understands, "I love nights with you too. I didn't even take that into consideration, and you're right that was wrong of me," she punctuates her apology with another kiss, "I won't go," she finishes against her lips.

Nico seems to mull over Karolina's words, then shakes her head, "No, you can go," and Karolina's back to being confused, "We get every night together, and it's selfish of me not to let you go see your friend."

"Nico, I don't have to."

"I want you to, babe," she warms at the pet name, "We need to have lives outside of each other. Plus, we have tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after."

"I guess," she responds with a goofy grin spread across her face.

"Then go. Have fun. I'll be waiting here for you when you get back, and then we can celebrate your victory."

"You wouldn't wanna come with me?"

"Nah, you have fun."

"Are you sure?"

Nico nods, "Just don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Then I guess I can do a lot," Karolina teases.

"Karolina Dean, you are a jerk," Nico feigns offense, her mouth comically agape and a light slap to her forearm.

Karolina laughs and leans down so their lips are brushing, "You know, I did score a goal for you, _and_ we still have time before the celebration party. We could start celebrating my victory now?"

"Mmm, you scored that just for me?" Karolina nods, and then they kiss, Karolina pushing Nico back on the bed, ready to forget that they ever argued.

Karolina ends up being late for the party. Still having to shower and after a bit of a prolonged celebration, Karolina pants as she runs to meet her teammates at the party.

She rushes through greeting all of her teammates, and then sees Eiffel, remembering after a moment that the girl was going to be there. She walks over to her, drink already in hand - the only one she decides she is nursing tonight.

"Hey!" Karolina greets over the loud music.

"Thank God you're here! What took you so long?" Karolina blushes in embarrassment as she remembers what did cause her to take so long. They did a lot more celebrating than she was planning on actually, but she isn't complaining. Eiffel watches her cautiously, and Karolina averts her eyes not to give anything away, but ends up doing exactly that.

"You were hooking up with someone!" Eiffel exclaims, loud enough that it can be heard above the music.

"Shut up!" Karolina panics.

"Oh, no! This is too good for me to shut up about. Perfect princess Karolina Dean hooking up with someone on school grounds? Scandalous! Who is it?"

"It's no one," Karolina mumbles.

"So it is someone. And I definitely know him, because the only boys here are from my school, so who is it?"

Karolina still isn't looking at her, trying not to completely fold over into herself, sinking deeper into her own mind, her breathing shallow. She wishes the ground would split open and swallow her whole.

"Unless," Eiffel continues, "it's not a boy?"

And Karolina stops breathing all together. She drops the plastic cup in her hand, hearing it collide with the floor, blood rushing to her ears. Eiffel must notice her state of distress, because she drags Karolina by the hand out of the party, and to the place behind the locker rooms where her and Nico finally got together. Karolina isn't even aware they left the party until they sit down on the grass hill.

"Hey, hey. Calm down. Breathe. It's okay," Eiffel tells her.

Soon, with the fresh air hitting her face and the reassurance that it's okay, Karolina can breathe again, still shallow, but present.

"Don't worry about it. No one cares who you like, Lina. Really, you know that I've gone both ways, so what does it matter, right?"

Karolina only gently nods, feeling that she's right, what does it matter? She takes the private moment to do something that's been weighing heavy on her heart for years and confess.

"It's Nico."

"What?"

"Nico, she's the one I'm seeing. I'm-I'm gay," Karolina feels an ocean of relief flood her body. She finally said it. She can breathe.

"Gay as an umbrella term, or?"

"No, I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian," she says chuckling, feeling her body taken over by giddiness.

"Oh, wow, Lina. Congrats! To be honest, it doesn't really surprise me. I always got a vibe."

The last two phrases tastes sour in Karolina's mouth, but she can't identify why. While she's trying to, however, Eiffel leans in and presses their lips together. Karolina pulls away as fast as she can.

"What are you doing?!" she asks, outraged.

"I told you. It doesn't surprise me. I always knew you were kind of into me."

"What? No! I told you I'm dating, Nico!"

"That girl? Please."

Karolina's eyes burn as the tears flow freely down her cheeks. She shouldn't have come. Nico was right. She should've stayed in the comfort of their own space. This was all wrong. And now once of their places, one of their safe havens is tainted by memories she does not want.

She stands up and starts sprinting back to her dorm room.

"Karolina!" Eiffel calls after her, but she ignores her, running back to Nico praying to every God she's not sure she believes in that she didn't screw everything up.

She stumbles into their room, slamming the door behind her. Nico is half dressed lighting candles around the room. Karolina's heart mourns the night they could've had had she not left.

"You're early, I thought I would've had a bit more time before you--" After Nico extinguishes the match in her hand, she turns to see Karolina looking despondent, hunched over, clearly upset. Nico rushes to her side.

"What's wrong?" she asks, caressing her cheeks, her eyes swimming with overwhelming concern.

"I need to talk to you," Karolina's voice is weak, she can't look at Nico. Her usually comforting touch feels wrong. She is wrong to allow Nico to so much as look at her, let alone touch her.

"Okay," Nico nods, "Let me just put something on really quick."

Nico quickly dresses in sweatpants and a t-shirt, already having grown used to changing in front of Karolina. She sits on her bed, and pets the space next to her for Karolina to join her. Karolina drags her feet on the way over as she takes a seat next to Nico.

"So, what's wrong, babe?" She asks, placing a hand on Karolina's thigh.

Karolina mumbles so quietly, Nico has to ask her to repeat herself. She sighs out loud readying herself before saying, "Eiffel kissed me."

Nico immediately pulls her hand back and scoots away from her like she burns, and Karolina's vision blurs again from the tears.

"She did fucking what?!" Nico asks.

"I didn't kiss her back!" Karolina defends immediately, "I swear, Nico!"

"Where?"

Karolina is confused by the question, "On the mouth?"

"No, Karolina! Where? Was it at the party in front of everyone?"

"No, it was behind the locker rooms."

"The place we got together? Really, Karolina?"

"She took me there! I didn't know where I was going! She knew I hooked up with someone, then I started to panic, and she took me there, really!"

"That's not the point! If she knew about us, then she wouldn't have--"

"She knew! I told her I was a lesbian and dating you and she just kissed me."

Nico's expression falters, she looks like she's been slapped, "You told her?" Nico asks, now small.

"Yes!"

"She was the first person you told about our relationship to? The first one you came out to?" Nico looks distraught, and Karolina doesn't understand what she said that was so wrong.

"Why are you sad?"

Nico releases a watery laugh as she is now crying too, "I just can't believe it. You told her before you told me."

"I--"

"Don't you trust me, Kar?"

"Of course I trust you!"

"Then why did you tell her first?" Nico's insecure, her arms wrapped around herself. She stands up and walks to the other side of the room, probably to get as far as possible from Karolina, and she already misses their closeness.

"It-it was just easier."

"What do you mean?" Nico asks, finally looking at her.

"Eiffel leaves tomorrow. I never see her again. If her reaction was bad, it wouldn't matter she's no longer in my life, and, you, you're my whole life, Nico."

"You thought my reaction was going to be bad?"

"No!" she corrects herself, "But I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk anything that could lead to me losing you," Karolina sounds desperate and she knows it, but right now she has to give it her all if she wants to redeem herself.

Nico softens. She closes the distance between them, and sits next to Karolina on the bed again, still not touching.

"How'd it go?" Nico asks, her voice concerned.

"It was okay. She said she already knew."

"That's a shitty thing to say," Nico says, and Karolina is surprised at how much pleasure she takes from Nico putting words to the sour taste she had earlier in her mouth.

"It is, right?" She smiles at the shorter girl sitting next to her who reciprocates meekly.

"For what it's worth, Kar, I'm very proud of you. I know how hard that must've been for you, and I'm sorry Eiffel took advantage of that moment. You didn't deserve that. You deserve to be happy. And I'm also sorry I yelled earlier, I shouldn't have reacted like that," Nico rants, but Karolina takes every word to heart.

"It's okay," is all she can manage to say. She's not sure what she's done to deserve Nico, but she's choosing not to question her luck right now. Unable to form words, she leans in to kiss her.

Nico pulls back.

"I'm sorry I lied to you," Nico says, their faces still close.

"What?" Karolina asks, confused. Her eyes pop open and search Nico's for some kind of answer.

"When I said I could do this, that I was fine with the whole secret relationship thing, and I'm not."

Karolina pulls back, "Nico, what are you saying?"

Nico pulls her hand onto her lap, threading their fingers together.

"I can't keep hurting myself like this, Kar. I deserve someone who loves me fully. Not behind locker rooms or only at night in our own personal hideaway," Karolina's heart breaks at Nico's words, she wants to pull her back promise her she'll love her openly, but she can't move.

"You deserve that too," she continues, "But you can't see that yet. I love you, Karolina, I truly do," she confesses. Karolina is screaming at herself to say it back, but every muscle and bone in her body is in shock, "But you don't love yourself yet, and you can't love somebody else if you don't."

Nico seems to stop then, wait for some kind of reaction from her, but when she doesn't get one, she just continues, "I'll sleep somewhere else tonight. Ask for room reassignments or something in the morning." She stands up, and lets go of Karolina's hand.

"I didn't kiss her," her voice comes out in an almost whisper, grabbing Nico's forearm.

"I believe you. It's not about that. It's something I've been putting off for a while," Nico tells her and tugs gently to try and free her arm.

"Please don't do this, Nico," she pleads, weakly.

"I think I have to, for both of us. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me, it means a lot, but I was right a long time ago when I said I can't be this for you."

Nico pulls her arm away from her grip, and Karolina lets her. She walks over to the door before turning around.

"I'll always be there for you, Kar," she adds before leaving.

And Karolina wishes Nico would have screamed, told her to get the hell away from her, made a scene, but she didn't, and Karolina didn't do anything about it, and this hurts more than all the screaming and fighting could have, because then, at least then, they would've been doing something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First post of 2019, and I'm sorry. I hate myself for this, but I did tag angst though? It's no excuse. I am ashamed of myself.
> 
> Also, this is the second to last chapter of this fic, there will be a last chapter and an epilogue, and I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been keeping up with it. And thank you for reading, it means a lot to me <3!!!
> 
> twitter: downtothewire2, tumblr: downtothe-wire


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karolina has a lot of soul searching to do. Leaning on the people who support her most, will she realize her mistakes in the relationship?

_Nico's fingers carded through Karolina's hair. She felt comfortable, more comfortable than she ever had in her life. She felt this warm sensation in her stomach she wasn't ready to give up just yet, even though curfew was rapidly approaching and she needed to get back to her dorm. She felt she could stay here forever. They were out on the soccer field, resting on the bleachers the night sky surrounding them. The whole evening started out as Nico comforting her about losing her most recent game._

_After a few exchanged words of reassurance, they found themselves in this position. She remembers opening her eyes and looking up at Nico's, there was something shining in them she didn't understand as the girl stared down at Karolina, her lips nude._

_She couldn't place why she remarked Nico's lips at that moment, but she did._

_"Thank you, Nico," she told her._

_"Don't mention it."_

_"No, but really, you're always there for me you know."_

_"I like being there for you, Kar," she seemed to ponder her next words carefully, pulling her hand away from Karolina's hair. She started to push back her cuticles nervously, "And actually, if, like, I'm being completely honest, I like--"_

_"What are you two still doing out here?" a third voice asked. Their bubble burst and into it walked Coach Diaz. Karolina quickly sat up, missing the warmth of Nico's body already. She was frozen, a guilt she didn't comprehend flowing through her veins. So, Nico was the one who talked._

_"I'm sorry, coach, we were just talking."_

_"That's all and well, but you need to go back to your dorms. It's almost curfew."_

_"Of course, we'll go right now."_

_Nico helped her stand up and they were already walking back to the dorms, when Coach Diaz called out, "Karolina! Can I speak with you for a moment?"_

_Nico nodded at her to go. Karolina jogged back to where Coach was, far enough where Nico couldn't hear them._

_"I'm sorry about the game today, but there's always the next match, you know?"_

_Karolina sighed, the sadness of the loss still lingering, "I do. Thank you."_

_"And if you ever need to talk about that or anything else," Karolina wasn't sure she imagined it, but she thought she saw her eyes drift to Nico momentarily then back to her at the last two words, "I'm here."_

_"I-" she said flustered, "Thank you."_

_Coach smiled curtly, "Now go back to your dorm."_

_"Yes, Coach," Karolina concluded, jogging back to Nico after Coach Diaz turned around to walk away._

_When she reached Nico, she had a curious expression on her face, "What'd she want to talk to you about?"_

_"I think she was worried about how I felt about the game, said she was there if I needed to talk."_

_"That's good then."_

_Karolina nodded, "Yeah. Let's get back to our dorms before we get into trouble. Eiffel's probably wondering where I am."_

_Nico looked displeased as she always did when Karolina brought up Eiffel. They walked back in silence, miles between them. Nico refusing to offer any kind of warmth after Karolina mentioned the other girl._

 

* * *

 

Karolina wakes up alone, on top of her covers, still dressed from the party. Not only is she alone in her bed, but also in her room. She's completely alone. She feels cold, and doesn't understand why until the memories from last night come rushing back. Her eyes burn.

She thinks of her dream, and she can't quite figure out if it was a dream or a memory. Maybe a mixture of both. The disappointed look in Nico's face at Eiffel's name and the soft one as she stroked Karolina's hair are enough to make her question how she never realized Nico liked her before.

She hates herself this morning. Hates herself for going to that stupid party. Hates herself for making her relationship a secret. Hates herself for the pain she was causing Nico and just ignored. Hates herself for not saying she loves her back. Hates herself for not begging her to stay.

She mostly hates herself, however, for not being strong enough.

She changes into whatever is nearest to her, not bothering to search for a better outfit, or even one that matches, and lethargically makes her way over to Gert's room. Her feet drag and she hears them as she makes her way through the hallways. She doesn't even realize how early it actually is until Gert opens the door after she knocks looking completely disheveled.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Karolina?" she questions, her eyes still adjusting to the light as she fixes her glasses.

"Yes, I'm, I--"

"Gert, who's there?" she hears a deep voice ask. A boy with chestnut brown hair and no shirt on walks to the door.

"Oh, hi," he says embarrassed trying to no avail to cover his chest.

Gert pinches the bridge of her nose, "I told you to stay in the room if someone came by. Do you want to get caught?" she whisper-yells at him.

"I know, but I missed you," he says with a lovesick smile.

"I was gone for literally ten seconds," the fondness behind her tone betrays her eye roll and how enamored she actually is with the boy.

Karolina clears her throat to remind them of her presence.

"Oh, right. Karolina, this is Chase. Chase, this is Karolina."

"I kinda figured," Karolina tells her as she shakes the boy's hand, "Nice to finally meet you, Chase. Gert talks about you a lot."

"She does?" he says, still blushing.

"Shut up, Karolina," Gert interrupts.

"It's nice to meet you too," Chase tells her.

Karolina looks between them and their states of disarray knowing exactly what happened the night before. She tries not to be jealous, still mourning the lost night her and Nico could have had.

"He goes to the school you played yesterday, and he stayed the night, but he's leaving soon, and… and why am I explaining myself?"

"Beats me," Karolina answers with a shrug.

"Moving on, you're clearly here at," she looks at her phone for the time, "6 AM for something. What's up?"

Karolina fidgets nervously, "I was looking for Nico, but I'm guessing she isn't here?"

"If she is, I'm sorry for what she heard last night," Chase supplies grinning and Gert elbows him in the stomach.

"What's wrong with you?" she asks before turning to Karolina, "She isn't, Kar, is everything okay?"

Karolina is about to lie and tell her that it is, but she can't bring herself to do it. She can't lie anymore. Her eyes swell with tears again, and she merely shakes her head. Gert reaches out and places a comforting hand on Karolina's forearm.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really. I just really wanna find, Nico."

"Are you sure?" Gert insists. When Karolina reinforces her point by shaking her head again, Gert accepts it, "Okay, I'm sorry I couldn't be of much help, Kar."

"It's okay. Go back to being with Chase before he has to leave," she says gesturing the room that the boy has already escaped back into.

"Okay, knock on my door if you need anything."

She nods in agreement.

"One last thing," she adds, out of curiosity, "Where's Molly then?"

"She stayed over at a friend's dorm. Klara, I think her name was. Why?"

"Nothing in particular. Just wondering," Karolina says before leaving them be. She roams around lost to where she can find Nico for a while until an idea finally clicks. She lists everyone that Nico is close to at the school. It's not too many people, and if she's not at Gert's and Molly is staying with Klara, then there's only one person left: Amy.

She shudders at the thought of knocking on Amy's door. If Nico told her anything, and given the look she gave Karolina when she caught them in the woods, she's sure she won't be too pleased with her. She walks to her room, and knocks anyway, it's not like she has anything to lose at this point.

Amy opens the door. She seems dressed for the day, but the lights are still off in the room behind her, which is strange given that as a senior Amy gets a single room. There's only one explanation: someone's in the room with her. Karolina tries not to let herself be too hopeful that it's Nico.

"Hi," Karolina greets shyly.

"She's sleeping," is all Amy says, her tone filled with disdain.

"Oh, I can come back later."

"She'll probably still be sleeping. She took a long time to fall asleep."

"She'll be sleeping all day?"

"Yes."

"Even at night?"

"Yes."

"But she has school."

"And?" Amy's tone grows increasingly annoyed.

"Amy, I--"

Amy sighs out loud, "Just leave her alone, Karolina. Haven't you done enough?"

Karolina's heart breaks as she hears the thoughts she had kept in her own head vocalized. She takes a step back, hurt.

"You're right. I'm sorry," she says and turns back to walk away.

"Karolina, wait! Just, like, take care of yourself, okay?" she says before adding, "Nico wouldn't want to see you upset."

She sees the worry in Amy's eyes, so she nods in firmly, before returning to her wandering. She's been strolling around aimlessly for a while when she finds Molly and who she assumes is Klara sitting near a flower patch laughing. Molly sees her.

"Karolina!" she calls out.

Only because she feels it's rude not to, she makes her way over to them.

"I wanted to introduce you guys, this is my friend Klara."

Klara is adorable with her bang and blue eyes, and Karolina notices the way Molly's eyes glow with pride as she introduces her.

"Hey, Klara, it's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too," the girl says with a beaming smile, squinting her eyes because of the sun. Karolina realizes how close Molly and her are sitting together, their hands almost touching.

She fakes a smile at them, which must not work, because Molly is prompt to ask, "Everything okay?"

"Not really."

"What happened?" Molly's concerned, she can tell, but she's too wrapped up in her own thoughts to offer her any sort of comfort to ease that worry.

She shakes her head, "Just..." she pauses before meeting the girl's eyes, "Just be more honest than I was," she tells her. Her eyes drift to Klara quickly and back to Molly, as Coach's did in her dream or memory. Molly nods in understanding.

"I'm gonna go to practice. I'll see you later?"

"Of course," Molly says sympathetically. Her hand inches to rest on top of Klara's, who turns her palm up to link their fingers. Karolina smiles at them genuinely this time, unable to stop herself.

She didn't really have to go to practice, but she thought it might help her clear her head. She's been on the field aggressively kicking balls to the goal, grunting out loudly at the effort, not bothering to care about anyone around her who might think she's gone insane. She screams out loud frustrated as one of the balls she kicks hits the goalpost.

"Karolina!" she hears her name being called out. 'What is it now?' she wonders. She sees Coach Diaz standing on the sidelines, a terrified Jamie standing next to her, "My office, please."

Karolina follows her into her office, her head hanging low, leaving Jamie shaking behind.

She takes a seat on the chair opposite the Coach's desk. She's unhappy that her frustration venting hours were interrupted for whatever this meeting was going to be.

"I don't think I ever shared this with you," Coach starts, "But I have a family."

Karolina is taken aback, by the abrupt conversation and the fact that Coach Diaz has a life outside of the school. She never thought about that before. Coach Diaz pulls out her phone and shows her a single image of two smiling women, and a baby between them.

"See that's my wife, and that's our baby, Emily."

Realization dawns on Karolina, and she feels her stomach sink. If Coach Diaz knew, did the whole world know too?

"I'm not trying to say anything specific right now. All I'm saying is that you're young. You'll be okay."

Karolina's body is flooded with relief, feeling some solace in the kinship she always felt towards her coach. It finally makes a bit more sense too.

"All you can do is try your hardest during these years," Coach continues, "And I know you do."

She knows Coach Diaz meant the side of her she knew, the Karolina Dean on the soccer field - always a perfectionist. That perfectionism that passed down from her mother, and translated to her life outside of the field too. She couldn't be a lesbian, because that would mean she wasn't perfect in her own mind, but that was such a sick and twisted way of thinking. She would never think that about anyone else, so why does she think it about herself?

"I have someone I need to talk to," she proclaims.

Coach smiles at her, "You do whatever you need to do."

"Thank you, Coach, for-for everything."

"It's my pleasure, Karolina."

Karolina leaves the office determined. She wonders where she can find Nico before remembering what she said the night before, 'I'll look for room reassignments in the morning' and Karolina knows where to find her.

She sits at the registrar's office, her leg shaking anxiously, and she's about to give up all hope that Nico's coming when the door opens and Nico walks through with a form in hand. Karolina jumps up from her seat, and Nico's surprised to see her.

Nico looks worse for wear. She hasn't bothered with her goth look and is only in sweatpants, this is the first time Karolina has seen her without her heavy make-up and goth accents to her uniform in public in so long. She looks fragile.

"Can we talk?" Karolina immediately asks.

Nico folds in on herself, "Karolina, I'm not sure that's the best idea--"

"Please, Nico, it'll only be a minute," she begs, approaching the girl.

"Okay," Nico concedes, and Karolina almost feels her heart leap out of her throat. She must have read the almost manic desperation behind Karolina's eyes.

They walk for a while, before Nico asks, "Where do you want to go?"

"The bleachers," she tells her.

Nico halts, stopping in her tracks, "Are you sure? A lot of people hang around there."

"That's fine," Karolina tells her, and Nico takes a moment to look her over before following her to the bleachers.

They sit down, Karolina turns towards Nico, and hugs her knees close to her chest.

"What's that paper?" she asks curiously before continuing with her plan.

"It's, um, for the roommate change thing," Nico answers quietly. She awkwardly waves the paper in the air.

"Oh."

Karolina almost loses all hope as she hears that, but decides she's lost enough hope, she's going for broke at this point.

Karolina purposefully chose the place where they sat in her dream or memory. She shakes off her insecurities, and hopes it is a memory, "Remember that time we were out here, you were comforting me about a game, I had my head in your lap, and coach told us it was curfew?"

"Yeah, why?" And Karolina is so relieved she does. At least she isn't going crazy, but maybe she remembers a bit more than Nico does because she doesn't have any strong reaction to the question.

"And remember that time in the library where I was telling you about Eiffel and you stormed off?" she tests out.

"Get to the point, Karolina," she says her voice ringing with slight anger, now a stronger reaction than Karolina was hoping for.

She flinches, but continues, "I'm sorry."

"I told you, you don't have to be sorry. I know she kissed you--"

"Not about that," Karolina replies, and she has to stop herself every second from being hyper aware of everyone that comes within listening distance of them, "I'm sorry I didn't see it. That I ignored it really. All the feelings."

"What do you mean?"

"That I ignored how you felt, and ignored how I felt for so long. That there was something there. I truly haven't done right by you from the beginning--"

"Kar, that's not--" she interrupts, and Karolina tries not to feel too hopeful at the familiar nickname.

"Let me finish, please," Karolina interrupts back, needing to get this off her chest before she loses the strength to do it.

Nico agrees with a nod.

"The moment I saw you I was drawn to you. I didn't understand why, but I was. I wanted to be near you all the time, and, I think, I liked you even then - even if I didn't understand it."

Nico reaches out and places a hand on Karolina's knee, encouraging her to continue when she stops. It's the all courage she needs.

"Then when we got together, you became my whole world, Nico. I loved every moment we spent together, but each of those moments made me more scared. Not only scared that I could lose you, but scared of myself and how deeply I was capable of feeling for someone I wasn't supposed to like. I grew up with my life planned out for me, with a constant reminder that God would hate me if I changed those plans, and the thought of taking a different path, of not being perfect all the time scares the hell out of me. But I'll never be perfect, and I'm willing to change and accept that. I'll be honest from now on. I promise."

She finishes her speech and waits for Nico's response. She isn't expecting it when the girl seems horrified. She frowns at Nico in confusion.

"Kar, don't do this. I don't want you to come out, because I told you I couldn't do this in secret. You deserve to come out on your own time. I don't want to pressure you into anything you're not ready for."

Karolina relaxes as she understands her horror, "You're not. I'm doing this because this is my time. I'm tired of hiding who I am," she consoles with a smile, "I'm doing this because we deserve to be happy, Nico. Because I deserve to be happy."

"You do deserve that," she says as she intertwines their fingers that are resting on Karolina's knee. Karolina shines with hope at this point.

"I know I'm not there yet, but I'll prove myself to you. You'll see."

"I believe you," Nico tells her, a soft smile across her face.

She tightened her grip on Nico's hand, and made sure their eyes stayed connected.

"I love you, Nico, you know that ri-ight?" Her voice broke a little at the end, her eyes shining with unshed tears, but her question was filled with sincerity. Out in the open, available for anyone who wanted to hear she told Nico how she feels.

Nico beams, "I know you do."

It isn't the 'I love you' she was hoping to hear, but it's something to work towards. Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I lied there's actually this chapter and one more and then the epilogue, because I got carried away when writing this. I hope you all enjoy this. It's been a damn ride with this fic and I'm sad and proud to see it nearing the end. Thank you for reading <3.
> 
> I love you all.
> 
> twitter: downtothewire2, tumblr: downtothe-wire


	11. Chapter 11

Karolina took time for herself. Something she has never done before. She has always been worried about something else. Her mother, school, college, soccer, Eiffel, Nico. Karolina lived her life for other people. She never thought about what she was feeling or what made her feel that way. She knows now how wrong she was.

There is no loving someone else if you can't love yourself first.

Karolina learned that with only about a month of therapy.

It didn't take much to get her there. After talking to Nico, she realized that she wanted someone to help her walk through this, and she couldn't put all of that pressure on the other girl. It wasn't Nico's job to help her come to terms with her sexuality, it was Karolina's own. At the same time, she wasn't complaining about some third party help from a therapist at the moment.

She talked to school, and she got herself going there once a week with the school's own psychologist. Studying at a private boarding school did have its advantages, and that was one of them. There is an unspoken agreement between her and Nico that they're each taking the time for themselves right now.

That, however, didn't stop the shy smiles and gentle gestures between them for the rest of the semester. She tried to stay away, but every time she did she only found herself drifting back to Nico's side. Her comfortable aura enough to put Karolina at ease.

Karolina went home that winter a determined woman. She told her parents everything. Told them she wanted to go to a different school, came out to them, told them about Nico, and everything was quiet once she finished. No words of support, but no words of dismissal either. They just sat there pensive, the gears in their heads turning, as she drowned in the painful silence.

That's how the rest of her break went too. Her parents thinking, and Karolina tiptoeing around them scared that one false step might send them over the edge.

One dinner it does. Her father asks for the potatoes, and Karolina grabs the bowl to pass them, but accidentally drops it on the table - the sauce spilling ever so slightly from the sides.

"Why are you like this?" He yells, and Karolina flinches. She knows it's not about the potatoes. She bows her head and finishes her meal, eyes trained on her plate, trying to ignore her mother's questioning eyes glued to the side of her head.

Throughout winter break, she moves around her house like a house cat hoping to go unnoticed. Her footsteps are always light. Christmas night, she opens her presents, and quietly thanks her parents for the gifts. New Year's Eve, she stays up until midnight waiting for the turn of the new year, but as soon as it is one minute past midnight, she excuses herself, and heads to bed. Her mother watches her with curious eyes, while her dad watches her with disappointed ones. She's not sure which one makes her more uncomfortable.

She texts her friends the whole time, and they help. Nico answers her in matters of seconds every time she texts her. Despite their current arrangement, it doesn't fail to make Karolina smile. She calls her therapist too, once or twice, and she comforts Karolina that she's doing the right thing, that she's going to be okay.

Karolina kind of believes her.

So, when winter break ends and Karolina is due to return to school, she almost runs out of her house to return to the place she once hated. As she looks out the plane window, she feels an overwhelming sense of relief as the weight lifts from her shoulders as they lift off the ground. She almost stomps to the airplane bathroom at one point, finally letting her feet step like they are born to do.

The relief is shortly lived. She is left for too long with her own thoughts, no connection to the outside world, and her mind starts to wander. It wanders to thoughts of Nico and if she has really gone through with the roommate paperwork. They never talked about it over break, always skirting the issue. Their conversations mostly consisted of non important events that plagued their long and boring days, some show they were watching, book they were reading, or Nico asking Karolina if she was okay.

Karolina mostly answered that she was, even though it wasn't always true, just basking in the warmth of someone caring enough to ask.

She falls asleep to distract herself.

_Karolina can't believe she's back here. Back in Nico's arms, the only place she's ever felt at home. Nico is ranting about something Karolina can't distinguish, the words falling deaf to her ears._

_"Anyone ever tell you how beautiful you are?" Karolina asks, interrupting Nico's monologue._

_Nico stops mid sentence to smile softly at her, "You, once or twice."_

_"Well, I'm not wrong," she compliments her, smug._

_"Being called beautiful by a beautiful girl? Pinch me, I must be dreaming."_

_"You're not. This is us."_

_"I'm not dreaming?"_

_"Nope," Karolina tells her, "You're very real."_

_"Am I?"_

_Karolina's confused now, why is Nico being so adamant about this?_

_"You are. We're real," she reassures her._

_"We're not."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Wake up, Kar," Nico says, her eyes distant._

And in one swooping breath, Karolina does.

She's being woken up by a flight attendant telling her that they're about to land. She fastens her seat belt and tries to forget the dream she was having as she stares wistfully at the cloud out her window.

She's scared of what this new semester would mean for them. Karolina feels ready. She is now out to her parents, to herself, and she doesn't really care if the rest of the world knows. She believes she's finally ready to give Nico what she deserves: a relationship.

She's scared, however, that things might have changed. That Nico no longer wanted her, and had moved on to something or someone else. She can't blame her if she has, Karolina can't imagine the thought of someone not falling in love with Nico. She has so much to offer it would only make sense that someone would realize that before Karolina was smart enough to get her own head out of her ass.

She shakes the negative thoughts out of her head, remembering her therapist's words. She isn't wrong for what she can't control that she is. There is nothing inherently wrong with her at all. She has been dealt the cards she has in her life, and all she can do is choose to be a better version of herself. She's young and this is the time to make mistakes. She is worthy of love.

She inhales deeply, running through the respiration exercises that her therapist taught her.

As the other students walk into school with their parents at their sides, Karolina is once again walking in alone. She pushes her suitcase up to her room - hoping, wishing, praying to find Nico there. With her heart almost beating out of her chest, she turns the door handle to find the room empty.

It's only her, and a suitcase. A suitcase spilling out messy with colorful clothes. Karolina has never felt more disappointed to see every color of the rainbow. She sighs, defeated, and unpacks her bag - her new roommate never showing up in the time that she does.

She almost gives up at one point, because of an all-consuming insecurity that she's going to mess all of it up. Remembering she already did make a mess of it all, however, finally convinces her that she's stalled for long enough. She zips up her suitcase shoving it under her bed, and steels herself to find Nico. She can do this.

She walks around for about ten minutes before she finally finds Nico sitting in a circle, a wide unbothered smile on her face, as she hangs out with Gert, Molly, and Klara. Molly spots her first. She stands up, and runs up to her enveloping her in a hug. Karolina relaxes in the embrace.

"Karolina," she exclaims as she pulls away, "How was your break?" she asks dragging Karolina to their circle. She hugs the others as she tells them it was fine, sparring Nico a small shy smile after hugging her last. She takes a seat next to her aware of how close their fingers are to touching.

"I'm so happy that we get to spend this semester together," Molly tells her with a bright smile. Karolina echoes the feeling, she's just not sure why Molly said it so suddenly.

She realizes then that after sitting down, Molly immediately connected her hand with Klara's. She looks up from it to see Molly looking at her happily realizing where she was staring. Karolina finds her energy infectious and reassuring. She turns to Nico who's watching her with already soft eyes. Karolina melts at the sight.

"So, yeah, Karolina, before you arrived I was telling everyone about how my parents caught me and Chase over the break."

"They did what?" Karolina asks, bursting into laughter as her thoughts drift to a safe place.

"Well, we had limited time, okay? I was trying to make the most of it, and we lost track of it. They arrived home, and we were still in our underwear on the couch."

As they all laugh loudly, Gert screams at them that, "It's not funny! I'm pretty sure my dad was traumatized."

"Oh, he was," Molly supplies with a smirk, that quickly melts into a loving smile as Klara pinches her playfully.

"And Chase got all nervous and started going on about how much he loved me and how we were being safe. I'm pretty sure at one point he called me an animal in bed. I'm not sure what truly happened. I blacked out," Gert says, sending all of them into another fit of laughter.

They all share stories of their breaks, Karolina never not aware of how close Nico finally is to her, but how far the small distance still feels. She almost pulls Nico aside several times during the conversation, fear winning out every time. Exhaling deeply as she tells herself that she has time, it's okay.

When they all decide to disband and head back to their dorms, a wave of sadness hits her as she remembers that she'll be walking back to a dorm without Nico.

"Do you want to say something?" Nico asks, taking Karolina by surprise.

Karolina stutters a bit before managing to say, "How did you know?"

"You get this crinkle right here," she says, poking her between her eyes, "when you're thinking and you were looking at me, so, I just put two and two together."

She laughs briefly, too wrapped up in how well Nico knows her to respond.

"So, do you want to go talk?" Nico encourages.

Karolina nods. Nico offers her her hand, their palms together, but their fingers not intertwining. She allows Karolina to drag her to wherever she wants.

Karolina considers the woods, but they're too private. The bleachers, but they're too exposed. She even considers their room before remembering that they don't have that option anymore. She settles on taking them to the place that could be the next safe haven, hoping that Eiffel didn't taint it too much.

She sits on the small hill behind the locker rooms, but Nico stays standing, her arms wrapped protectively around herself. Maybe this was a bad choice of location, she realizes.

She attempts to rectify the situation, "No matter what happened here, Nico, this place is still ours." Nico nods, unconvinced, but takes the seat next to Karolina anyway, she chooses to take this as a small victory - she needs them where she can get them.

"So, I came out to my parents," Karolina confesses.

Nico eyes widen, "You did? Why didn't you say anything?"

Karolina shrugs, wondering the same thing actually, she talked to Nico all the time through the break, but every time she tried to send her that message, it felt wrong.

"I'm not sure why, but I wanted to tell you in person."

"How was it?"

"Not great. My dad's disappointed, and my mom is always just watching me like she's trying to figure me out."

Nico immediately reaches for her, intertwining their fingers and placing her other hand on Karolina's thigh. Karolina smiles down at the contact, her skin tingling where Nico's hand rests. She missed the physical touch between them.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really, it is what it is. I wanna talk about something else actually."

"What is it?" Nico asks, her features etched with concern.

Karolina readies herself for the possible rejection, "I want you to give me another chance, Nico."

Nico's pressure around Karolina's hand falters, "Karolina, I'm-"

Karolina can hear the despondent tone behind the way she says the words, and she's not getting rejected before she has a chance to explain herself.

"Let me explain."

Nico nods.

"I know I've only been working with my therapist for a really short time, but I've been working on myself for so much longer than that. I've been working on accepting myself ever since the first day we kissed. At that exact moment, I didn't fully accept who I was, but I realized there was no going back. No going back from girls, and especially no going back from you."

She scoots closer to Nico, tightening her grip on her hand. She tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear, and Nico smiles despite herself.

It encourages Karolina to continue, "You're amazing, and you've helped me realize so much about myself already, and I'm ready to do this. No rules, no hiding. Just you and me. I don't care who knows."

She leans her forehead against Nico's, "I miss you so much. I miss being with you. And I want this time to be different. I don't want us to hold back. I want to be able to tell you how much I love you," and though Karolina has said it before, Nico's breath still hitches, "and I don't care who knows."

Karolina gives Nico the space to pull away, never bridging the short gap between their lips. She sees Nico's eyes drift quickly to them, before meeting hers again. Then Nico finally connects their lips. The kiss is more desperate than Karolina imagined as she releases everything she's been holding back and Nico does too.

The way Nico's lips move against hers feel familiar and foreign all at once. Like coming up for air after drowning for so long, Karolina consumes her greedily as if she hasn't had her in years.

They both pull apart, their breaths ragged mixing with each other.

"Let's not do this here," Nico tells her.

Karolina nods, "Like I said, I'm done with hiding."

"Not what I meant. I just don't think it would be appropriate."

"Oh," Karolina's voice catches in her throat realizing what Nico means. She nods dumbfoundedly, "Okay."

She lets herself be pulled by Nico back to wherever she would take her. On the way, she screams to anyone that will hear her:

"Nico Minoru is my girlfriend!"

She is mostly met with uninterested grunts or sarcastic "good for you"s, but she can't care less that they don't care, she cares so much.

She even at one point stands up on the top of the bleachers to scream, "Nico Minoru is my girlfriend!"

She sees everyone around her just look on in confusion, but a proud smile on Coach Diaz's face.

"Karolina, could you get down, please?" Nico pleads, her cheeks burning red.

"Nope, I will scream it from the rooftops if I want to."

"Nico Minoru is my--"

A third voice pipes up from a distance, interrupting her, "We get it! You losers are dating each other," and a cold chill rushes down Karolina's spine until she realizes the voice belongs to Amy. Amy who is smiling from ear to ear at her sister and her sister's girlfriend. Karolina takes it as a sign of her approval.

Nico walks closer to Karolina so only she can hear, "Kar, if you get down we can go back to my room," she offers with an arched eyebrow, but her shoulders curled in embarrassment.

"Oh, yeah, okay, let's go," Karolina says in a rush. She jumps down from the bleachers, and drags Nico by the hand towards the dorms.

They burst in through the doors, and Karolina's mind is so foggy with hyper focused thoughts of Nico, she doesn't stop to think that Nico now has a new roommate.

They stumble through the room, their lips never disconnecting. Karolina pulls off Nico's shirts, letting herself drink in the familiarity of her body.

"God, I missed you."

"I missed you too," Nico mumbles against her lips, already having connected them again, and pushing her onto the bed.

After, she finds herself back in Nico's arms like she dreamed of. Her short nails run along her back and up to her scalp, and Karolina lets herself relax.

She looks around finally remembering that they are in Nico's room, and not in their room. She sighs, ready to have the conversation she has been putting off. She notices the assortment of feminist literature and denim piled haphazardly on Nico's new roommate's bed. Nico's new roommate. The words hurt her, but it's only fair that Nico did ask for the room reassignment. They weren't together any longer, after all.

"So, you submitted the paper?" Karolina asks, awkwardly, distracting herself with etching circles with her fingers on Nico's bare stomach.

Nico tenses under her, "I did, Kar. It wasn't really an option for us to keep being roommates, you know?"

Karolina understands, she nods softly against her shoulder. She won't allow their eyes to meet, she doesn't want to give away the sadness that's currently permeating her body.

"Makes sense."

"But I mean we didn't exactly get handed a terrible hand, did we?"

And Karolina's confused, because right now, to her, it feels like she lost the only place she considered home. It feels like a terrible hand.

"What do you mean?"

"What you mean what do I mean? I'm pretty sure Gert and Molly will be understanding if we want privacy."

Karolina turns around to look at Nico, resting her head on her hands that lay on her chest, her brow furrowed in confusion.

"Gert? Molly? Our friends? Our roommates?" Nico explains.

Realization dawns on Karolina, and she feels the giddiness travel through all her nerves.

"They're our new roommates?"

"You didn't know?" Nico asks, now the one confused.

"No!"

"I assumed Molly would've told you, or you might've seen her in your room, I didn't know..." she trails off.

Karolina doesn't let Nico stew too long, she reaches up and plants a firm kiss on her lips.

"What was that for?"

"For being amazing. I can't believe you switched our roommates to Molly and Gert. That's perfect," Karolina tells her, proudly.

"Well, yeah, I wanted to get ahead of the situation and make sure we weren't roomed with like people we didn't like or anything."

"You're brilliant," Karolina beams at her, and Nico's own smile widens.

"Plus," she says, a bit awkwardly, "I was kinda hoping that you would get your head out of your ass."

Karolina pouts dramatically at the statement.

"Which you did, babe!" Nico corrects herself, and Karolina warms at the once familiar nickname, "But like this way we could still get all the privacy we wanted, but not have to worry about them separating us because we're together. Get ahead of the situation, like I said."

Karolina plants another soft kiss on her lips, before whispering against them, "You really are brilliant, you know? Has anyone ever told you you're brilliant?"

Nico chuckles, their lips never parting, "You, once or twice."

Karolina can't stop the love sick smile plastering her face, "I love you," she says in one breath.

"I love you too," Nico completes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I don't even know where to start with the notes? I guess, first of all sorry this was a couple of days late, but I was actually really scared to write it in the first place given that it's the last chapter before the epilogue.
> 
> I wanted to say thank you to everyone that stuck with me and this story and all the nice comments I got because they really kept me writing it and excited about telling it. Yall are my number 1s and you make me soft. This story was longer than anyone I've written for this website and I was scared of how it might turn out but I'm really proud of it, and I hope I will be even more proud of the next one.
> 
> This story was largely based on a lot of my own fears growing up, and that makes it that bit more personal. It made me feel less alone that other people could enjoy and relate to it too.
> 
> I love you all, with my whole heart <3, here's to runaways getting renewed and a season 3.


	12. Chapter 12

Karolina's life, like every other one, has been a repetition of plans and those plans falling through. She had plans, yes. At one point of her life she wanted to room with her best friend Eiffel, ace her SAT, leave her old school, and go to Columbia to study biology where she could finally be herself. A lot of that has happened, but a lot of it hasn't.

She doesn't speak to Eiffel anymore. She's now just somebody Karolina used to know, and she's glad to keep it that way. She did ace her SATs and she did leave her old school. She even is studying biology, though not at Columbia. Karolina ended up going to NYU after they offered her a full scholarship, and she can't complain. The best change of all, she thinks however, was that she got to finally be herself a whole lot earlier.

Her dad hasn't really accepted her for who she is, and it is something Karolina deals with on a daily basis, but she would rather have a supportive mother like she did and be herself, than live a lie for a man that she owes nothing to. It still pains her, of course, but every time Nico smiles at her softly in the morning as she does, she remembers why this way is better.

Nico. Her girlfriend of five years now, Nico.

She has a lot of people to thank in her life, mainly her therapist and her girlfriend. From time to time, she remembers to thank herself too. After all, if she hadn't taken the time to put in the work, none of the rest would matter.

Nico ended up going to Parsons to study fashion design, and Karolina was elated once she got in. Though she still vehemently believes, and Nico's not so sure, that they could have made long distance work. She's pretty sure Nico only says it to tease her, but it still works every time when Karolina pouts about it for hours.

Karolina recognizes that the way their relationship started wasn't healthy. It might have been the push she needed, but no one should be rooming with their girlfriend at sixteen. That's a recipe for disaster, and she thanks Nico for having changed their arrangement to this day.

Karolina always thought that everything would fall into place, and it did, it just didn't fall in the place she was expecting it to.

She knows that then wasn't the time, but she's hoping that now might be. Nico practically lives at her place already, she realizes as she takes in the black boots scattered on the floor. She frantically runs around her apartment trying to get everything ready. They couldn't be roommates in their school dorms, because they weren't ready. They couldn't be roommates in college, because they went to different schools. Now, however, they are out of school, and they're both living in New York. So, she thinks they're ready. At least she hopes they are.

She's been nitpicking at every speck of dust she can find to make sure the apartment is absolutely perfect. Gert and Molly were supposed to have been here half an hour ago to help her set everything up, but, of course, they're late.

So when the doorbell rings, Karolina is already scolding them before even opening the door, "I can't believe you two are late!" 

On the other end of the door are Gert and Molly looking scared.

"It's Gert's fault!" Molly answers back rushed.

"Molly!"

"What? It is your fault!"

"It's not my fault, you're the one who took too long at the grocery store."

"I took too long? You took too long at the flower store, because Chase bought you a rose and you guys started making out and--"

"GUYS!" Karolina interrupts them, "It doesn't matter. Just come in now."

Karolina moves away from the frame so both girls can follow her in. Gert and Karolina remove decorations from the shopping bags and add the flowers to water, while Molly starts to set up her stuff in the kitchen. She ended up going to culinary school, and Karolina decided to use her talents to her advantage.

She promised Nico a date tonight. She promised she would cook, and make something for her. The only problem being Karolina is a disaster in the kitchen, but that doesn't stop her from asking Molly to cook and taking the credit - claiming Molly only gave her the recipe.

Gert and her are left on decoration duty, and warned to stay at least five feet away from the kitchen at all times if they don't want to get burnt or stabbed.

Karolina turns to see Molly meticulously garnishing the plates, "Don't!" she screams, making Molly almost drop the parsley in her hand.

"Are you trying to kill me?" she asks, enraged.

"I'm sorry," Karolina says, now sheepish, "It's just if you make it that pretty, Nico will never believe I did it."

Molly understands, and sighs dramatically. She takes the spatula and messes the dish around. Karolina visibly lightens, "Thank you."

"Yeah, sure whatever," she dismisses as she adds the secret final touch, hiding it at the bottom of the plate.

They're about done when they hear the doorbell ring.

"Fuck!" Karolina screams in a panic.

"Is everything okay?" Nico asks from outside, her question muffled by the door.

"Yep, everything's fine. Just give me a minute," she calls out.

Karolina's voice clearly indicated that everything was not fine, but Nico apparently let it slip, because she didn't say anything else. Karolina frantically looks around hoping to come up with an escape plan for Molly and Gert. She finally sees it and readies herself for the resistance that's about to come from the other two.

"I need you to go down the fire escape."

"What?" Gert whisper yells.

"No way in hell, blondie," Molly resists.

"Come on! Nico can't see you it'll ruin everything. She'll know I didn't do this on my own."

"Who cares if you didn't do this on your own? There's not way I'm climbing down a fire escape in boots and a dress!" Gert protests.

"Yeah, and there's no way I'm climbing down in-" Molly looks down at her own clothes: a t-shirt, shorts, and sneakers, "Okay, actually this is perfect climbing down attire, but I'm still not doing it!"

"Guys, please! I need this to go perfectly."

She gives them her best pout and hopes it will work on them as much as it does on Nico.

"Fine, but you owe us," Molly concedes to Gert's horror, "Come on," she tells her sister, "I'll help you down."

Gert accepts her defeat, "You're gonna owe us more than you already do for helping you set up, Dean."

"That's fine. Just please go."

"Not even a thank you?"

"Yes, Gert, thank you, and thank you especially to you, Molly."

"Why especially to her?"

"Because I helped more than you did."

"I beg to differ. I had to do all the decorations. All you did was watch risotto cook."

"Do you know how meticulously you have to stir risotto for it to be perfect?"

"GUYS!" Karolina yells, interrupting them, before realizing that Nico could probably hear and lowering her tone, "Just please go."

"Fine," They concede together, and start out the window to take the fire escape.

Karolina turns to a final, "Good luck!" from both girls. She grabs the flowers from the water, a bouquet of black roses she had to search everywhere to find, and readies herself for what could be the most life changing night of her life.

She straightens her dress, and opens the door.

Nico is standing on the other side looking at her like she makes the sun shine, a bouquet of yellow roses in her hand. She looks at the flowers in Karolina's, and her smile brightens, "Great minds think alike?" she suggests, a twinge of mischief in her words.

"Definitely," Karolina tells her, suddenly breathless at the sight of her girlfriend.

Karolina steps aside to let her in, as they exchange their flowers.

"So, who was here before I left?"

They stop in Karolina's hallway before Nico can see what's beyond.

"What? Why do you think someone was here?" Karolina's voice is too shrill as she asks to be telling the truth.

"Well, you yelled 'guys' while I was at the door, so I assumed."

"No one was here. It was, um, it was me screaming at the TV, because it wouldn't turn off."

"You scream 'guys' at inanimate objects?" Nico questions, a raised eyebrow.

"Not usually," Karolina says, trying to work out what's the best path to take here.

"See, if I didn't know you any better, I'd think you have something to hide from me-"

Nico is barely done with her thought when Karolina interrupts, "I'm not hiding anything!" and sounds almost hysterical.

"Wow, okay," Nico stands back throwing her arms in the air, "I didn't mean to pry."

Karolina can tell Nico's actually getting annoyed.

"No, I'm sorry. It was just a stressful day."

"Wanna talk about it?"

She shakes her head, "Not yet. I got something to show you first."

She takes her hand, and walks them through the hallway. The room is filled with heart shaped everything, a table with two plates of risotto, and white wine. At the center of the table, a vase for the roses.

"I guess, I put these together," she says as she takes the roses from Nico's hands and blends them with hers. She creates a mix of yellow and black before placing them in the vase of water.

She realizes that Nico still hasn't said anything, and is just staring around her.

"You don't like it?"

Nico shakes herself out of her trance, "Of course I do. It's beautiful, babe. You're beautiful," she stands on her toes to place a soft kiss on Karolina's lips, "But what's it for?"

"That's for later. For right now, we eat."

Karolina guides her to the table, pulling out her chair for her, then taking her own seat.

"Karolina, when you said you were cooking, I didn't expect… all this," she gestures around.

"What did you expect?"

"I don't know, but definitely not this. Thank you, though. I love it."

"I'm glad you do," Karolina tells her, her heart beating faster as the minutes clock by.

"You made this?" Nico sounds skeptical after taking the first bite.

"Y-yes, is that so hard to believe?" Karolina tries to sound confident and annoyed, but it just comes out insecure.

"A bit considering you burn eggs every morning," Nico says smugly, a bite of the risotto between her teeth, "This actually tastes a bit like the risotto that Molly made that one time we went over to watch the Oscars-"

"I made it, okay?" she snaps, and Nico leans back away from her.

"Woah okay, Karolina, what's going on with you?"

"Nothing, I'm sorry. I'm just nervous."

"Why are you nervous?" Nico asks.

"It's nothing."

Nico sighs, and reaches across to intertwine their finger on the tabletop.

"Babe, can you look at me?"

Karolina meets Nico's eyes, unshed frustrated tears brimming there. She visually watches Nico deflate.

"I'm sorry I pushed. I was only joking. This is amazing," Nico says as she takes another bite. The dish in front of Karolina left untouched, she's too nervous to eat.

Karolina shakes her head, "Don't be sorry. You're right, I didn't make it," her confession is small. This is not how she planned the night would go. Nico squeezes her hand.

"Want me to pretend you did?" Nico asks, softly.

"Yes, please," Karolina nods softly.

Nico inhales deeply and turns on a fake cheerful demeanor, "Karolina! This is amazing! You're the greatest chef who ever lived!"

Karolina laughs at that, both from the nervous energy building up inside of her and Nico's attempt at making her feel better.

"I wouldn't go that far..." Karolina fishes for the compliment.

"I would," Nico continues with a cheesy smile, "You're the most talented, smartest, prettiest chef in the world."

"You're just saying that."

"I'm not. I really really mean it."

For a moment all they do is bask in their happiness, lingering on the spark in each other's eyes. Karolina breaks it by finally reaching down and taking a bite from her plate.

"So, are you going to ask me to move in with you, or?"

Karolina almost spits out her food, but chokes on it instead. She starts coughing uncontrollably, and reaches for the wine beside her to wash it down. 

"You okay?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine," Karolina dismisses trying to regain her breath, "How'd you know? Did Molly tell you? Did Gert? I told them not to tell you!"

"No one told me, Kar. You're just..." she hesitates before adding, "Not exactly subtle."

"What do you mean?"

"Um, for example, the other day you texted me saying 'hey nico how do you feel about alphabet city?'. And when I answered it was fine, you started to freak out and text me 100 times over how great it was and spammed me with several links about what to do here. I assumed you didn't get a job with the tourism department for the neighborhood, so I just figured it out."

"Oh," Karolina forgets how perceptive her girlfriend is, and how obvious she, herself, can be without realizing it.

"So, are you going to?"

Karolina deep in thought doesn't realize what Nico means, "Going to what?"

"Ask me to move in?"

"Oh, yes, um, I have a whole speech," Karolina says as she pulls out her phone and opens up the notes app.

"Are you serious?"

"Shh, let me be romantic," she shushes and reads off her phone, "Nico, I don't think anyone's ever understood me like you do. I feel like we move in almost sync, like you complete me. And I know that sounds ridiculous, but I really feel like we balance each other, you know?" She looks up at Nico, who encourages her forward with a soft smile.

"For a moment there before, we tried to make us living together happen, but that didn't exactly end well-"

"Hey! Don't say that. It ended fine. We're still together."

"Okay, true, but still, not the greatest ride. But, um, we're older now, and we've been together a while and I really really love you, Nico. So, I think we're ready, and if you poke around, Molly actually hid a key in your risotto."

It really isn't the most eloquent of speeches, and all Karolina really has on her phone were bullet points she tried to cover in it, but Nico seems to like it as her eyes shone like they did whenever Karolina told her she loved her - like she couldn't believe it was happening. 

Nico takes her fork and roams around, but finds nothing.

"It's not here," Nico points out the obvious, and Karolina's heart starts to race, every aspect of her plan is going terribly. She grabs her fork, and shifts through her risotto until she finds the key there. How did she mess up the plates? Molly even marked it with a little red pepper flake on the edge.

She sighs in relief, however, and grabs the key with her fork. She cleans it with her napkin, and presents it for Nico to take if she wishes.

"So, um, will you move in with me?"

"If you think I'm touching that key after it was in your risotto you're out of your mind," Nico teases.

"Nico!" Karolina chastises desperately. She needs an answer now as her courage is slowly dissipating.

Nico laughs, "Of course I'll move in with, you dork, I'd be more than happy too."

She doesn't think she's ever smiled this wide. Her cheeks hurt at how much she's overexerting the muscles. Nico grabs the key from her hand, and stands up from her seat. She walks around the table to tilt back Karolina's head, and passionately kiss her.

Somehow the world brought her exactly back to her starting point as Nico's roommate. 

And maybe life didn't turn out exactly how Karolina planned it. Actually, it turned out nothing like she planned it, but she didn't mind. Life turned out how life was supposed to turn out, and she was okay with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the epilogue is here, and it's done? omg, it's done. I can't believe it's done. This is honestly so bittersweet, but I'm pretty proud of how this turned out even if there are things I might've changed after reading this thing compulsively several times lsjflskdfsf.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read it, and who talked to me about it. Everyone was always so sweet and caring and understanding. I don't have enough words to express how much it means to me. I love you with all my heart.
> 
> Also, just so y'all know, I'm thinking my next multi chapter fic will actually be a deanoru princess diaries 2 au, haha. That might be a while cause I need to be outlining it, but I won't be gone, I have several one-shots I have to write now.
> 
> Again thank you and I love you <3
> 
> twitter: downtothewire2, tumblr: downtothe-wire


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